I Can Do This (I Hope)

Well, today’s the day. Today is the day that A gets married. He broke up with me less than a year and a half ago because he didn’t have time for a relationship and wasn’t ready for what I was looking for (marriage) Now today, he gets married.

I know there are days that I say that I’m good and I’m over him, but just knowing that he’s moved on, he’s settling down, he’s getting married, well, it all hurts.

It doesn’t help that a number of weeks ago I had told my roommate she wasn’t allowed to leave me alone this weekend because of this very thing. But after a couple of different conversations last weekend, I ended up having to remind her. Then she asks if it’s just Saturday day or Saturday night. She’s one of the few that knows everything and I though I could rely on and now she’s forgetting things of importance to me too.

I’m going to try to stay busy today. Try not to think about what today is and why it pains me. I feel like if I’m alone I’ll just lie on the couch and cry all day. If my mind starts to wander I’ll remember what today is and it’ll affect me. I need to keep busy. Not have time to think, but be surrounded by people who care about me and who can hopefully take my mind off of the things that I don’t want to think about.

Ugh, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to seem like the pathetic one that can’t properly move on from a relationship that wasn’t meant to last and have to rely on friends. But that’s what friends are for, to help you through the hard times, and I feel like something of importance, something like this you shouldn’t forget so easily.

Where Do I Belong?

This is what I read the other day for my devotionals and my thoughts surrounding it.
—–
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Considerand answer me, O LORD my God;
light up me eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your stewdfast love;
my hearr shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
~Psalm 13

There is so much fear and doubt racing through my heart and my head. I don’t know what to think or where to turn. I want to trust my Father but I get so lost in the mix and confusion that I feel like no one really knows me or cares about me. Why am I like this? How come I’m lost with no one to find me or give me a way out. Is this what life is supposed to be like? What friendship is supposed to be like? I just want someone to be there to show me that they actually truly care.
—–
Sometimes I really wonder if I am truly accepted in my circle of friends. No one reaches out to me (or very rarely do they) If I want to see someone or spend time with someone then I need to reach out. And even when I do that I feel at times shot down and rejected. It’s not a fun feeling and not something that I enjoy. It is a reason that I do shut down and hide myself away. I don’t know how to feel accepted in my own group of friends. I feel like an outsidee half the time, that I don’t belong where I am and I have no one really to turn to. I try tellin friends and they don’t understand. They just tell me to reach out so that things are reciprocated, but they never are. It hurts and I don’t know what to do …

Decisions. But not my own …

Ok, so both my roommate and I are single. Both of us have been looking online without having any luck.

The other day she joined a free online dating site that I’m on. Well, in the span of 3 hours or so, she started talking to a guy online, gave him her phone number and even told him about her own struggles with mental health.

Don’t get me wrong, I would be happy for her if she met someone. And I’m not saying I would have ever talked to this guy because he’s out of my age range. Just the day after she made the account she gets 15+messages from guys a day (sure there are ones she’s not interested in) and starts talking to someone she’s really interested in. Even when I made my account I never had that many messages.

The next two mornings she goes on to tell me that she got ‘good morning’ texts from this guy. Yeah, I’d be lying if I said that didn’t hurt, because that’s something that I’ve always wanted, well, almost, it is missing something, but something I’d always desired from guys I was dating.

Yesterday she said she wanted to ask him out, other friends said do. I said wait, let him do the pursuing, at least for the first date. She didn’t really like the idea, still wanted to ask him out. Then last night she talked to another friend, who also said to wait. Now she thinks it’s a good idea to wait.

Yes, I know that this is her life and she needs to make her own decisions and choices, and I know that I am more hesitant than most after some of my experiences, but why she wouldn’t heed my advice after knowing what I’ve been through, I’m not sure.

She’s already falling for his guy and they’ve only talked a few days. I’m trying to tell her to take things slow and be careful. I’m trying to look out for her and her best interest, but she says if she gets hurt, she gets hurt.

I’m just at a loss of what to do and say. I want to be supportive but I want her to be careful too. I want her to be happy but not risk her heart, especially before they’ve even met.

UnderstandingĀ 

Ok, so it’s coming up on a year of my roommate and I being roommates and there are things that had bugged me and irked me, but I’ve never told her. One of which I feel like she sleeps ALL THE TIME. Don’t get me wrong, sleep is great, but not all the time. And so it would annoy me when I would come home and she’d be sleeping on the couch (lately it’s more so in her room which I do appreciate more) or her falling asleep while we watch a show together. But she’s also constantly complaining about how tired she always is. Well you know what, I work a tiring job and am tired at the end of the day too and would love to have a nap, but I also know that that’ll mess up my sleep for the night so I don’t. And don’t get me started on this loud obnoxious yawn that she does! It’s like she’s purposely overemphasizing it.

Anyway, I need to stop putting down all the negative. I was talking to some girlfriends tonight about her. Saying how she has a mild case of sleep apnea. One of them has sleep apnea and the other one has other health issues that keep her awake and in pain that she can’t sleep well.

These two kinda put things in perspective for me. The fact that she sleeps ‘ALL THE TIME’ as I put it, is because she’s never getting a restful sleep, always waking up and her body isn’t getting the rest that it needs. That it’s a different kind of tired then being tired from working a long week. As for the loud obnoxious yawn, well maybe it’s her bodies way of getting the oxygen that it needs.

I’m going to try to be more considerate, more thoughtful of this.

If anyone has advice on how to handle (lack of a better word) someone with sleep apnea I’d be all ears (or eyes in this case) to know what you do. How you encourage them, treat them, talk to them about it.

The Quiet One Gets Left Behind

Ok, so I’m really not sure if this is because I’m quiet and it’s an oversight or I’m just not as good friends with someone as I thought.

This evening, I let the first comment slide by because well, my roommate had been to much lately and figured that our friend wanted to be able to see her. So when my roommate said that she had been invited over for dinner, yes a part of it hurt (cause really she could have kept it to herself, especially since she was unable to go) but I pushed it aside and forgot about.

Then later in the evening she got another text from some number that she didn’t know. Saying ‘Oh, it’s probably for (friends) thing’ – ok, maybe that dinner wasn’t tonight but a different night, I think to myself. Trying to keep myself preoccupied so I wouldn’t show my hurt. But she keeps talking about it. Finally I say I have absolutely no idea what she’s talking about, I assume a dinner cause that’s what you had mentioned earlier this evening. And she’s like ‘oh no, you weren’t invited to (friends) birthday?’ Thinking, uh no, if I was I wouldn’t be sitting here playing dumb (well this time wasn’t playing because I had absolutely no idea what she had been talking about) trying to keep myself preoccupied so that the tears that are threatening to come out won’t.

I’m not sure if she figured out that her talking was hurting me or not. She did shortly after that change subjects.

But now I wonder. Was I left out on purpose? Was it just an oversight? Does my quietness turn people off and push them away, not wanting to spend time with me because I don’t talk much? I don’t know, I just don’t know. I wish I weren’t like this. I wish it were easier for me to talk, but it isn’t. I am quiet. I am shy. And it does take a lot to get me to talk. But should that be a reason for me not have many good and lasting friends? I feel like I’m being punished for something that I can’t help.

Being the Odd Wheel

So as we all know, yes, I am single, unattached, no perspectives in site. But this does not seem to phase certain friends who have found their happiness. They think that  I can hang out with a group of couples, the guys do their thing and us girls do our thing and things are fine.

I’m sorry, but no. I don’t want to be the extra wheel. I see my friends all lovey dovey and can’t help but be jealous of what they have. It hurts me to hang out with couples and not to have my close girlfriends understand this.

I have two friends from high school that have recently gotten married. I understand that they want their husbands to be friends. That they want us girls to get to know their husbands. And yes there is a time for that, but there should also be a time for just the girls.

So for Christmas, even though I had expressed my concerns and not wanting it to be the five of us (hence me being the fifth wheel) Since we were getting together on a weekend I gave in, so that I would make one friend in particular happy, so that we could do something the 5 of us. Yes, because we were at one of my friends houses the guys did go off and do their own thing for awhile and we did have some girl time.

But now we are in the midst of planning a joint birthday get together. Again she asks if we can do it the 5 of us. This time we are only planning on a week night at a coffee shop. Do you really think that this friend will have her husband and the other husband sit at one table at the other side of the coffee shop while the 3 of us girls are together having our girltime? Because I seriously doubt that that will happen.

I haven’t explicitly put my foot down saying no, but I did say that since we did the 5 for Christmas I was really hoping for just the 3 of us.

It’s not that I’m against getting to know the guys, but it hurts me seeing my friends happy and me being hurt because I’m alone and have no one and knowing that my closest friends don’t seem to understand or care about my feelings. I don’t know how I can get it across any better without hurting feelings, but she doesn’t seem to understand that she’s hurting my feelings by always insisting we hang out with husbands and always making me feel like the odd wheel.

Feelings, what more can I say …

Last weekend was Easter. I was expecting happy times with family and friends. Sure I know that no family get together is perfect and there’s always something, but I didn’t really expect any of this.

Let’s start at the beginning. So my brother and sister in law were in town for the weekend because they wanted to see my grandma while she is still pretty good.

I’m not entirely sure where this all came from, and I didn’t bring it up. Here’s a fact about me, I have a weird memory, I can remember odd facts that others don’t necessarily remember, I can figure out dates of events and how I’m related to people.

Anyway, my parents and siblings and I were visit my grandma Friday afternoon. My mom brought up that I can always figure out how I’m related to someone. It wasn’t something that I brought up, she mentioned that my brother isn’t always good at doing this. I didn’t disagree, ok, maybe I agreed with her, affirming the statement. So somewhere, I’m not entirely sure where it came from or why it was brought up, but my brother said, “I heard you singing in church, you can’t carry a tune” I’m not sure where the teaming up on me came from, but it hurt my feelings, it took a lot of my strength not to start to cry (it was a good thing that my grandma had a puzzle on the go that I was sitting beside because I started distracting myself with that) but I didn’t think that statement was called for. No, I don’t like singing in public, but I do like worshipping and I thought I had a decent voice and could follow along fairly well, but that comment just tore me down.

Then Saturday night, two different events. I went to the movies with the siblings again. I don’t know what brought it on, but I started tearing up for my singleness. No, I don’t want to be single, I don’t like being the one that doesn’t have anyone, being the odd wheel all the time. I would love to be in a relationship and I miss what I had with the guys in the past, but I don’t want to date just for the sake of being in a relationship, I want to date with the hope of marriage in mind and sometimes I think that’s never going to happen for me.

Finally, last event on Saturday, we were driving home from the movie, my brother was driving. I could tell he was turning right (the freeway was to the left and that’s the quick way to get back to mom and dads) so I asked which way he was turning. Sister in law says, “he’s turning right” brother says “I want to go the other way” ok, that’s fine, if he wants to take back roads and the long way, that’s fine by me. So when he misses the turn that I was pretty sure that he wanted to take I said nothing. Maybe because a part of me doesn’t want to correct people all the time because friend got hurt from when I did that to her. So it wasn’t until my brother said that he was mixed up and confused that I said something. I told him he was on the South side of the freeway (he didn’t want to believe me at first) finally he did. I felt done correcting people, because apparently when I do that I hurt people’s feelings, so if someone is going to get things wrong, so be it, I’ll let them make their own mistakes.

What’s Your Beef?

Well, this morning, my roommate sent me a message (guess it was actually last night but I only saw it this morning) about how much she appreciates me and that I’m always there for her.

At one point she went on to say that, just because I’m her friend doesn’t mean that I always have to be there for her as we have dealt with friends who disappear when the getting gets tough. Maybe it’s easy for me to stay by her side and support her with what she’s all going through.

My response? No it’s not always easy. Sometimes I don’t know what to say, sometimes I get annoyed but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.

So she decided we needed to have a ‘what’s your beef’ talk – one thing I didn’t want to do as me and confrontation don’t mix.

So when it finally got time to talk, I didn’t want to say what had been bothering me on the weekend because I knew it would hurt her. Here’s what I said:

‘I work with kids all day during the week, I don’t want to come home and deal with an adult acting like a child. If you don’t think you can do your job then quit it, otherwise suck it up, you are good at what you do, stop doubting yourself and have some faith.’

Unfortunately for me she focused more on the work part. I think that’s the part I can deal with better. It’s when she is acting like a child that I feel fed up.

So I got part of how I feel out, but not all of it.

But part of it is also the Mental Health issues and I want to be considerate of that. But I also need to look out for my well being, and seeing someone who is always being down on themselves and acting like a child at times isn’t good for me either. No, I don’t have mental health issues, she does, but everyone deals with little pieces of mental health, whether diagnosed or not, we all have pieces of it. Some are just more extreme than others.

On the Mend (pt 6)

Ok, so we got together yesterday. Leading up to it, I was so nervous and anxious about the outcome that it was taking quite the toll on me. When I pulled up to the coffee shop I was pretty sure that I saw her car, but I told myself I needed to pray first. I pulled out my phone and reread the prayer that I had first written out when she told me 2 months ago that we needed to talk (and never did)

I walk in, not fully knowing what to expect or how to greet her. But she was being friendly enough, gave me a welcoming hug and we both got drinks and sat down and began to chat.

She explained how she isn’t a very detailed person and how when I would tell her something happened on this day at this particular time that’s how she felt I was always correcting her.

I can’t help that I have a weird memory and can remember certain dates that I remember odd facts about different gatherings and interactions.

I also mentioned to her that at times I felt like she always took the conversation back to her. I would be trying to talk something important and she would turn it to herself and something she was dealing with. She said she didn’t know that and would try and work on fixing that about herself.

Overall, it was a positive outcome from our coffee time, but I think it will take time for our relationship to get back to where it was. As we were talking I didn’t fully feel like myself and every time she asked for a correct answer I had to clarify with her if she wanted me to give it to her or just leave something unknown. This will be difficult and it will be a process, but if we both work together I think this friendship can be saved.

Getting Anxious

I’m not one to typically get anxious over something, but this upcoming conversation is giving me some anxiety. I am hoping for a positive outcome with my friend but I just don’t know what to expect or even what to all ask her. We are meeting in just a few short hours and I honestly feel like after this conversation I’m going to be losing a friend. I don’t know why I have this feeling. I don’t know how I’ve always made her feel uncomfortable. Yes, she says I’m always correcting her, but everyone I’ve asked says that I don’t do that and I can’t think of any examples of me correcting her.

Maybe I’m just envisioning the worst possible outcome so that I’ll be happy with the positive side of things. I don’t know, but either way I am nervous about it all.