Grr, I need to vent (because I just don’t know how to say it to the person I need to)

Ok. I live in a 2 bedroom condo and have had a roommate for the past two years. But with my upcoming wedding this fall, things were going to need to change. My roommate was going to need to move out. Needless to say, that happened this past weekend.

I left for holidays on the 14 and came home on the 20. Me being the nice person that I am said that she could pay for half the month and since we’re good friends and I was gone she could actually move out on the weekend. I kept telling myself that if everything wasn’t gone by the time I came home on Monday that she would need to pay the other half of the month. But at the same time convincing myself that she’d have everything done and gone when I got home.

Two weeks before her move out date. It didn’t look like she had done anything. Except for the bits of packing she did when she would have a friend over helping her. The weekend before move out date she went out with two different guys that she had met online. Don’t get me wrong, everyone needs a social life, but when you are moving in a week and have a lot of packing to do because you’ve barely done anything, you shouldn’t make going on dates a priority over packing.

Well, I flew in on Monday to a text saying that she was just getting some last things from the condo, then a little while later there was one saying she was leaving. Ok, that’s fine. I’m half way home and I get another text saying ‘Oh shoot, I forgot some things. Can I get them on Saturday when I’m over?’ – So again, me being the nice person I am said ‘sure, as long as it’s not too big’. A few folded up boxes, the vacuum (which I was glad to have because I needed to clean a few things) and jackets were alright. But then I get home. I find some food in the fridge. More in the freezer. Some dishes and laundry stuff. The pile seemed to be adding up. So her little bit of things was adding up to be more than I originally thought and I was getting annoyed.

Two days later, I start getting over the frustration I had. Then I remember I had a bag of chips that I didn’t remember seeing anyway (yes, you can say it’s just a bag of chips, no big deal) but it’s the point of the matter. So I text her and ask, but also play somewhat dumb saying maybe I ate them and just didn’t remember (I knew I hadn’t but didn’t want to straight out blame her) Her response: ‘Ummm, I ate them. I tried to replace them but they weren’t at the stores I went to. I’m sorry, I’ve never done that before’ Say what? You ate them? You didn’t think to ask beforehand or even text me after the fact? I had to bring it up? And what do you mean you tried to replace them? Obviously you didn’t try to hard because if you know what store I typically shop at you would have been able to find that type!

I’m sorry. Yes, I am annoyed. I am frustrated. And I hate to say it, but a part of me is kinda glad I won’t have to deal with it all anymore.

She had her big move out day on Saturday. She was supposed to go on a second date with one of the guys from earlier that evening. It didn’t happen. I don’t want to hear that they went out on Sunday or Monday. I don’t want to hear that she made going on ANOTHER date more of a priority than to finish packing and cleaning (or finding my chips for that matter) I just, I don’t. No. I feel done. I’m annoyed. I’m ticked off. And a part of me wants to ask her to pay for the other half of the month because I already gave her 5 extra days to move out and I don’t know what she did with all her time.

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The Ups and Downs of Life

It is with great sadness I share about the passing of my grandmother. This past month and a half has seen different things in my life and her life. As things are looking up for me, they began to look down for her.

I got engaged in the middle of April and began to plan my future with this wonderful man.
Within two weeks we had a church (and date) a caterer, and my dress.
That following week my parents showed a picture of me in the dress to my grandmother because honestly, we were uncertain at the time of how long she would be with us.
That weekend, my fiance and I went to see her for a short visit and even had some pictures taken with her.
The following weekend (Mother’s Day weekend) is when things started to take a turn for the worse. On the Friday my grandma fell and the staff at her Assisted Living Home are not allowed to lift residents, so they had to wait for the ambulance to arrive. Thankfully she wasn’t on the floor too long. Then Saturday night happened. She fell while at her bedside (she had taken her button off for the night) and then spent all night on the floor. My fiance and I had decided a few days before that we would make a photo album of our relationship for grandma, so that she could see things progress, even if she was unable to be at things personally.
Continuing into the week, I found bridesmaid dresses (or at least a suitable option for bridesmaid dresses)
That Friday (just over a week ago) she was transferred to a Hospice right next to the hospital.
I was grateful to get to see grandma a couple of times on the weekend and beginning of the week.
In the middle of week we found out that we had a pastor to marry us (finally, I had been waiting on the decision for awhile) and my dress had come in.
Then Thursday came. I was humming and hawing over whether or not to go see grandma. I had plans for the evening and so did my fiance and I didn’t want to take away from either plan, but I decided that since he was going to be out of town for the weekend that we could stop by quickly to see grandma. We got to her around 6:00pm and left her 6:25pm. When I got home, that’s when I saw the news. I was home at 7:00pm and found out that grandma passed away about 15 minutes earlier. We were the last two family members to see her alive.

People have asked me if I would have wanted to be there for her passing. I’m honestly not sure. If it was just a peaceful, she took her last breathe, I would have been alright with it. If you could actually see the pain, then I wouldn’t have wanted to be there.

One of my friends was saying that sometimes the person who is dying knows when someone is with them and they wait to be alone.

I am so grateful for so many things.
I am grateful that I had such a wonderful grandma, always there for us and praying for us.
I am grateful for such a wonderful man in my life that he would give up his plans, his sleep, to be with me in my time of need (did I mention that when he found out about grandma’s passing that he dropped everything and came to me?)
I am grateful that my grandma had the chance of meeting him.
I am grateful that they got to sing together and she could learn of his heart and love for God.
I am grateful that my grandmother knew we were engaged.
I am grateful that she got the chance to see my wedding dress.
I am grateful that I decided to go see her on Thursday before she passed.
And now I am grateful that she is in heaven, with grandpa. Rejoicing. No longer in pain.

Yes, I would have loved to have her here for the next few months. Seen me continue to plan my wedding day and be present for the wedding. But I would not have wanted her to be in pain any longer. And I know that one day I will see her again.

Death is Not the End

A little over a year ago we thought we were going to lose my grandma. And now. Now it looks like it really is the end. Her lymph glands are shutting down, the tumour in her lungs has increased in size. I don’t want to say goodbye. I’m not ready.

I know that death is not the end. I know that I will one day see her again in heaven. Just like all of my other grandparents. I know that she’s ready to go be with my grandpa. But that still doesn’t mean I’m ready.

There’s so much in the next 6 months.

  • Her oldest great-grandchild is going to have baby number 2 in just over a week
  • Her oldest granddaughter is getting married Oct 6 (that would be me)
  • Her youngest granddaughter (there’s only two of us) is due with her first baby on Oct 6

There are many more milestones for her to see and none of us are truly ready to say goodbye.

Don’t Be Fooled By A False Persona

I have a friend, he’s almost like a younger brother to me, and I suppose for that reason I feel the need to stand up for him now. Anyway, he met this girl at a Valentine’s Day party that a mutual friend of ours was hosting this year. I only met her a few times, but from the times that I did meet her she did seem like a good match for this friend of mine. Sure there were some times of anxiety, but that’s the case for any relationship.

The first time that I was supposed to meet her was at a prayer night at my church. Something had happened in their conversation leading up to the night that caused much anxiety on her part. She had told him she would be late. After no sign of her after 30 minutes, he tried texting, no response. After an hour here called, no answer. He finally got ahold of her when there was about 20 minutes left of the evening and she said she was on her way. Unfortunately she showed up when things had ended and none of us got to meet her as they went straight to talk. Don’t get me wrong, it seemed like a good thing that they talked and it had sounded like they got a lot of things out in the open.

I will admit that they do both have things to work out before either of them is fully ready for a relationship but to be treated so unfairly in the end is unfathomable.

On their last date he joined her for a wedding. Everything seemed normal, hand holding, hugging, sitting closely during the ceremony. Then afterwards they went for coffee. She was all prepared. Had everything he had ever given her in the back of her car. She knew that she was going to end things, this wasn’t a spur of the moment decision. It was well thought out and executed.

They’re whole relationship she always talked about how glad she was to be in a relationship. She was so ready to get married. She couldn’t imagine herself being single and alone at 30 (hello? most of his friends are over 30 and single)

They talked about marriage. This year. This summer even. It was quick and it was sudden and it ended abruptly. I feel sorry for him. I know how it feels to have someone say one thing to you and then turn and find out it’s all lies (B) and then be on a date and have them change completely from one part of the date to the end and cut off all ties (C) She says she’s ready to date (although from the sounds of it she really does have a lot of things to work through) and that he is no where near ready for a relationship (OK, l admit, I don’t think he was quite ready for something as serious as he was in, to get married so soon, but I think he is ready. He’s growing. Being drawn closer to family. Leaning on friends for help. Turning to God in crisis.

But I was never as heartbroken as he is, not even with A, who I thought I loved and thought I would marry. Even when he married someone else.

My friend is hurting. He is struggling. He’s broken. She completely changed. She completely changed him. He was in love and she crushed him. He’s gone into anxiety attacks. Needing to call crisis lines. Unable to work.

I want to help my friend. I’m here to listen, which I know is good but I’m not always good with the advice. They broke up on Saturday and throughout this whole week there has been pain upon pain upon pain caused by those whole situation.

Today is a new day, with new outcomes and I am finding out that they are talking again and reconnecting. Apparently there is hope of rekindling this relationship. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But one day. I fear that he will jump back in with heart and not use his head in this situation. I fear that he won’t seek advice from friends and family and God. I fear that he will get hurt again. I don’t want to see any of this happen. I could be wrong and this may be the best thing that could happen from a bad situation but I am worried that it won’t.

He had such harsh words to say about them when it first ended and now I fear that they’ll ‘fall in love’ again and then she’ll break his heart once again.

What is this?

Relationships can come in many different forms. Friendships. Romantic. Family. Work. Roommates. Acquaintances. Many different forms. And the different relationships can intermingle about how you assess one, how you confide in others about one, what you let others get into your head about one.

Here’s where I stand with all of this. I am in a relationship with E. Things are far more serious with him then they were with anyone else in my past dating relationships. Serious to a point of, yes, I do love him. Yes, I do want to marry him. Yes, I do want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Or so I thought. Now people are asking:

  • Are you just in it for the physical?
  • Do you really communicate?
  • Are you just infatuated with the idea?
  • Are you sure this is how you really feel?
  • Don’t just settle
  • Is he who he says he is?

I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Now I’m wondering. Now I’m beginning to doubt. Are my feelings real? Are my feelings legitimate? Am I settling?

Don’t get me wrong I do care about him, but I suppose I need to figure out where I stand. We have talked about far more than I ever did with anyone else in past relationships. He probably knows more deeper things about me then some of my closest friends. But is this me doubting a great relationship or am I just getting cold feet?

Lack of Introverted Time

Between work and a boyfriend I haven’t had a whole lot of me time lately, which time with him has been good and I haven’t needed it quite as much as I normally do. But over the next two weeks my best friend is going to be visiting as well, which will be keeping me even busier.

I’m just not certain how this introvert is going to be able to juggle time between work, boyfriend and best friend. It’ll definitely be a challenge

Introverts in Relationships

Is it weird that as an introvert that I want my relationship status known?

So, on our date on Friday, I finally brought up the dtr (determine the relationship) as I couldn’t wait anymore I wanted to know what we were. Besides it just happened to be 2 months after we originally meet.

A part of me has always wanted to have a relationship status to put up on Facebook. So last night I asked how he would feel about it. Although I’m not sure if he agreed to it because it was something I wanted or because he’s was actually OK with it.

But I’ve always wanted to have the relationship on Facebook. Maybe because then I don’t have to tell everyone, because they’d already know or because I wanted the attention in a silent sort of way.

But either way, it’s out there. We are dating. It is Facebook official. And I am really happy with him.

Oops

So roommate had been on and off looking for a guy online. I can’t blame her. It’s lonesome and tiring being alone.

Well today she was telling me about a conversation with one guy that she had been taking to for awhile. Then all of a sudden changed things to another.

She said ‘so I’ve started talking to this guy’ and then shows me his picture. I take one look at it and say ‘you know that’s [guys name]’ but she looks at me all blank and puzzled like. ‘Who’s [guys name]’ My response ‘the guy from the summer’

That’s when she started to clue in and decided the conversation was over.

No, I don’t expect her to remember what all of my exes looked like, and she had never officially met him before, but had seen him at an event earlier this fall. I did expect her to at least clue in when I said the name, not act all dense like. Sorry, maybe that’s a little harsh, but have some sense, if I recognise someone right off the bat, get a clue, don’t like you have no idea what I’m talking about.

And … He Kissed Me

Last night we got together for a fun date of mini-golf, but then ended the night going for a drive to a lookout point to see over the city. No, not a make out point, just a lookout.

We walked to the edge and just stood there. Looking out at the city. Seeing the lights. Bring in the stillness and quiet of the nights air. It was the perfect ending to a great night. And although I was thinking standing there looking out at the city would have been the perfect opportunity for him to kiss me. He waited. We waited. Soaking in God’s goodness and enjoying what we could see of his glory.

Walking back to his truck, arm around one another, we were relaxed and enjoying the quiet of each other. Then as we approached his truck, that is when he put his lips on mine. It may have been short, but for him I do know that it was a big step. His first kiss was OUR first kiss. He took a step out of his comfort zone, to bring us together.

He had talked about a future. About our future. Together. And although labels aren’t necessarily necessary. They are to me. To know for sure that we are both on the same page. Now for the figuring out of how to approach the subject of what we are.