Encouragement 

So, I was all ready to go to bed tonight and my roommate came home and wanted to talk to me about her excitement from the evening. In the end she had some encouraging words for me.

“Thank you for being you, for taking the time to stop and think, not rushing on an answer but actually thinking about it. On the weekend when you were asked what you wanted to take home [my roomie is a Mary Kay consultant] you sat and thought about it for a minute and a half. I’m taught to wait and not pressure people into buying products. I knew you where the type to sit and think in silence but my director doesn’t know that about you. She appreciated the fact that you actually took the time to stop and think about it. So thank you, for taking your time. I know you are the quiet type and one day a guy will appreciate this fact about you and not force you to talk when you aren’t ready but will ask the right questions that will make you willing to open up and want to. He will deserve you. Just be patient and be thankful that you are you willing to stop and think and listen.”

I think with what I’ve been through over the last little bit that I really needed to hear that. All of it. Not just the part about the guys, because a part of me feels like I’m past that now, but the fact that I stop and think and that she was grateful for that fact about me.

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Love and Hurt

I found out late last night that A got engaged on the weekend and I can’t even bring myself to tell anyone. A part of me still loves him, probably always will seeing as he was my first love. But we broke up less than a year ago (well, it’ll be a year next week) but it still hurts. I never told him that I loved him, he’ll never know that fact, we only dated for 3 months, but I knew by our second, maybe third date that I loved him and if thing didn’t work out that I would be heart broken. And I was. Still am.

I know that my roommate knows he’s engaged as she is Facebook friends with his mom, but I can’t bring myself to tell her that I know or any other friends that he’s engaged and moved on.

Everyone seems to be falling in love and getting engaged and here I am wanting a relationship and all I do is fail at it and get my heart broken.

B’s Betrayal

Well, lets get back at it, for what happened with another failed relationship. This one lived 3 hours away from me.

May 1, 2016 I started talking to B online. We hit it off right away, so much in common. That first week we had talked all but one night. Then against my better judgment I decided to text him on May 7, I knew I wasn’t ready to give out personal information, but we were getting along so well and he seemed to be exactly what I was looking for, so I figured what harm would it do. We texted back and forth all morning, had an hour long phone call at noon, texted all afternoon and evening and then when he got home from work we skyped for 3 1/2 hours (until 2am) I was exhausted falling asleep half the time but really enjoying chatting with him that I didn’t want to hang up. It was this day that we told me he was going to come down and visit me June 16-19, I was ecstatic that we were going to meet. He had these great ideas and plans for when he came down, was bringing a couple hundred dollars with him, because he had something great in mind for me.

The relationship continued to progress over the coming days. He would text me every morning, which I loved and typically we would text, or talk on the phone or Skype most evenings. In the evening of May 11, he texted me saying “Skype my love?” I didn’t think anything of it, figured he was just being cute.

Then on May 14, we were texting again, I was headed out with friends and asked how he was. He responded saying, “I’m great, the sun is shining, I’ve got the day off and I’m in love” next text “oh crap” So I respond with “In love, huh?” And from that point we were telling each other we were in love, that we loved one another.

The following weekend he was going out of town to his parents place from Thursday-Sunday and would be out of cell phone range from Friday afternoon-Sunday morning. But he had told me that his grandmother wanted him to go see a Reikki with him, I didn’t fully understand what it was, so I did some research. Basically, his grandma wanted him to communicate with his dead grandfather through this woman. Which, with my Christian faith and his Christian faith, this just did not seem right to me. All weekend I was praying about it and getting my friends to pray and researching how it could possible be seen as good, trying to make all the excuses. Finally when we talked on Sunday evening after he was home, he said that he thought I was disappointed with him (which, maybe a part of me was) but he said that it ended up not working for him to go, that if he was going it would be just to please his grandmother, not for him. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I understand wanting to please people, especially family, but when it goes against everything that you believe in?

It was around this time that he mentioned money was tight for him. That student loans were making him pay back money even though he was still in school. That he’d been going to the local food bank, because he didn’t have money for groceries. Things didn’t quite add up in my mind, but I didn’t want to question him too much.

All throughout our relationship he told me that he had been adopted, and that his adopted mom is his mom, he would never think anything different about her. His birth parents weren’t together, but he knew he had younger sisters. His birth mom’s boyfriend had been abusive which was why he was able to get pulled out of her care by the ministry, but his sisters weren’t as lucky. That’s when he gotten adopted, I believe he was 8 when adopted.

So then on May 28, he sends me a picture of this person holding up a sign (you can’t see the person, just their hands) It said, “My name is … and I am looking for my brother … he was born November 29, 1983 in Calgary, AB, he was adopted when we were kids.” Then he sends another text saying his mom just found this picture. Ok, yes, I have heard about stories about this, but never thought it would impact me or my life. And I suppose that a part of me didn’t really believe it was true, which is why I tried googling for that photo, but never found it. But he was so happy, he had found his sister, they were getting back in touch. It really was a miracle for him.

Things were going great. I honestly thought that I would marry him one day, he even asked me to be ‘pre-pre-engaged’ that I said no to, I mean, first of all, yeah, I may love this guy, but I’ve never actually met him, he hasn’t met my family or asked permission from my dad.

Then a little while later, he told me he wouldn’t be able to come down and visit anymore. His step-dad was having surgery at the hospital he worked at and he had to be with his family. That and with money issues, it wasn’t going to work. But he suggested I go visit him. Unfortunately, during this time, some of my girlfriends that had moved away for school had decided to come out and visit that same weekend. I knew it wouldn’t work for me to go visit him. Besides, I figured first initial meet, he should come to me.

So the weekend of June 10, he told me he was going to his parents with friends, so may not be able to talk much for the weekend, I figured that was ok, I don’t need to spend all my free time with this guy. A weekend away for him and a weekend with my girls for me would be good. But we planned to Skype Monday evening. So when Monday rolled around and I tried texting him with no response, and sending him messages on fb with no response and him not answer Skype, I was getting a little worried. Didn’t hear anything from him on Monday. Tuesday I try getting in touch with him again, tried fb but it wouldn’t let me send a message, or view his profile, I thought that he deactivated his account without him telling me. Tuesday evening I was with some girlfriends, and they thought that this was strange too, so they went looking for him on fb. And they FOUND HIM. And what else? His relationship status was put as he was seeing someone else.

Turns out he blocked me on fb, and most social media. I kept trying to call him, but he never answered, so I texted him. Not sure if he ever got the text or what, but at least it was something, and some sort of closure. I was furious with this guy for playing with my heart strings like that. I am realising that I didn’t love him, that I was just infatuated with the whole thing, caught up in the emotions. I opened up to him more in the month in a half that we knew each other, than I did with the other guys I had been seeing and talking to.

Yes, I was heartbroken, but a part of me was relieved. I basically cut my self off from everyone else, for this guy, and for what? For him to lie to me like that? It wasn’t right, and from then on, I decided I needed to be more careful, more cautious with who I agree to meet, when to give in. I needed to take things slow and open up when I was ready.

B made me protective of who I was, and because of that, C was unwilling to wait for me to be ready.

Hard Day número deux

Ok, the end of yesterday wasn’t as bad as I had dreaded. Had dinner with my roommate and saw a movie. In the end I was crying over the true story in ‘Lion’ instead of silly boys who break my heart.

Today, well, today is one year since my last date with A. Thankfully I have had so much on my mind and been so busy that I haven’t had time to even think about it that much.

I’ve been more concerned about my misunderstandings with my friend. Trying to figure out the best way to discuss things with her than to make her more upset at me.

I am taking these things each one day at a time. Getting over silly boys that aren’t the one for me. One day I will meet the man that God has for me. One day my relationships with my friends will go back to normal. One day I will actually be truly happy …

Hard Day

Leading up to today I knew that it would be a bad and hard day. For some reason, birthday’s affect me more than they should. C broke up with me 2 and a half weeks ago and today is his birthday. It shouldn’t be so difficult but it is.

Taking it all one step at a time and one minute at a time, I want to see how this day progresses and turns out.

I’m trying to stay busy as best I can. To keep my head occupied so that I don’t think about him. I don’t know what’s with me and ex’s birthdays but they seem to affect me more than any other day. Work should keep me busy enough today and then I’ve got dinner plans with my roommate and we are going to go see a movie tonight.

Somehow, shockingly enough, I was actually able to use my words and tell her I needed a girls night. That I needed to be busy tonight because I knew it wouldn’t be an easy day for me, so although I accomplished one things I am bad at doing I still feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I miss C. I miss what we had. I wish he would explain things better to me so that I knew what really happened but I am not getting the closure that I wanted and now it just all hurts all over again.

Mere Misunderstandings 

Ok, so the night that C broke up with me, I sent the following text to a couple of girlfriends:

“So … I don’t know how I feel.

Apparently I’m the kinda girl that he could see himself settling down with but he just hasn’t felt a romantic connection.

Truthfully a part of me knew that [C] wasn’t the one for me, but I still kinda hoped that things would work out.”

Most of them understood that things were over between us. One friend responded with

“Oh Hun. I’m sorry 😞” – which to me, this meant that she understood that things were over between us.

Now after texting about things, because I’m waiting on her phone call, she said that she didn’t think we had broken up.

Ok, I admit, I didn’t say that I had yet another failed relationship, but her response made me believe that she knew what I meant.

Am I wrong to think that she understood what I meant? I’m not saying that I’m not in the wrong, maybe I am to some extent, but I would have thought that if she didn’t understand what I meant then she would have asked for clarification on the matter.

I don’t want her to think that I’m mad at her or think she’s wrong but from what she said I assumed that she understood.

Why, Oh Why Can’t I Speak My Mind?

Ok, so I have realized in recent days that when I was younger it was a lot easier for me to speak my mind. Telling people when to do things or that sort of thing. And really this wasn’t just people around my age but people my parents age and even my grandparents age.

Sure there have been certain people in my life that I have gained quick banter with. And typically, these people I have met only 2 or 3 times but hit it off immediately. Either that or I’ve known them my whole life and it’s easy to talk and tease with them.

But then there’s my friends, those that are around my age, that I have known for a handful of years. I wish I could speak up and say what is on my mind. I don’t just want to sit and listen, I want to be able to listen and respond as well. Because if I’m honest, half the time that I sit listening I’m not really paying attention to what is being said. It just goes in one ear and out the other.

I don’t want to speak my mind and offend but I would like to be able to speak my mind just to be able to interact with others. Sure I have lots of friends, but how many of these friendships are true, real, lasting ones? Very few know the real me. That know where my heart is and what I truly desire from my life. As well as things about me, including health issues, I just don’t talk about it and some is important for others to know.

Encouraging Words from a Friend

So one of my friends posted this thing on Facebook that if you liked their status, they will give you encouragement back. So this is what my friend said about me:
“You are a great friend. You listen to listen, not to respond. People like you are difficult to find and oh so valuable. You express such interest in other people’s lives, and I think that’s incredible. I’ve loved watching you take on challenges these last few years: buying your first place, and becoming awesome at swing dancing. And the work you do with your job–helping raise up the kiddies–is so valuable. As a mom, I want to thank you for taking such good care of the kids in your preschool. Also, I love that you’re always up for a movie.”

Yes, it’s true, but at the same time not. I do listen to listen and not to respond, mainly because I don’t always know what to say. I wish it were easier for me to respond instead of just sitting in silence. I wish I had the words to say things. I don’t know how to say what I want to say. I don’t know how to express myself clearly. Things that others see as encouraging in myself, I see as a true weakness. Expression of oneself should be the easiest thing to do for a person, but in actuality it is one of the scariest things for me.

I fear being judged. I fear that people will look down on me. I fear that what I have to say will be taken the wrong way. I fear my silence will be the end of me. I fear that people will not see the real me.

This post was supposed to be about encouragement from friends and somehow has turned into fear from myself. Why is it like this? Do others feel this way? That fear is the stronghold around them?

I want to be encouraged by friends and family but my fears just seem to get in the way of everything.

C’s Heartbreak

Ok, so now that it’s been a week, I think I’ve processed enough and am ready to share the story of caution and heartbreak that I had with C.

As I stated before, I started talking to C online mid-September 2016. I finally agreed to meet him November 4. He seemed really nice and really genuine. Considerate of my time and all that I had going on. So our first date was just coffee, a simple meeting to kind of get to know one another. Granted he was the one that talked the most, as per most of our dates, but it was still nice getting to know him.

Then our second date we went for dinner, Italian. Third date was painting pottery, his idea I might add, typically I wouldn’t expect a guy to suggest that, but he did. At the end of that date he did kiss my cheek, it was sweet. Fourth date we grabbed coffee again and went for a walk by the water, it was really cold, but still a nice afternoon spent together. At the end of which, he kissed me. All I can say is, I was in my glory. I had never been kissed before and was uncertain if I should tell him that or what, so I just left it as is. Truthfully, even now he has no idea, well, at least I never told him, so I’m supposing he has no idea. Driving home that day I started thinking, “Who am I kissing? A guy I’ve been out with a few times? Someone I have an open relationship with? Someone I’m dating? Exclusively? My boyfriend?” I had all these questions with no answers, so I decided that I needed to ask some questions, I needed to dtr us, to figure out what was happening between us.

Our fifth date actually got cancelled/postponed due to bad weather. Ended up going out a day after we planned for Mexican food. I had told him ahead of time that I wanted to talk about some things, so he did know this and was aware of the fact. He asked me at dinner what it was that I wanted to talk about, but for some reason my nerves were getting to me and he said to take my time and ask when I was ready. Finally when our food came I asked him if he’d be ok if we prayed together for our food, and he said that he had been thinking the same thing when we had first gone out for food together. Then later on I also brought up the fact that if possible I would like it if we could go to church together once in awhile, to which he readily agreed as long as we went to his church as well as mine. At the end of which he asked me if I asked all the questions I had or if there was more. I suppose I could have said there was more, because really there was, but I figured things were pretty good at that point, that I felt with the answers I got that yes we were in fact dating. The answers that I got clarified things enough for me to be satisfied with where things were for us.

Date six, this could possibly be where things took a turn. At least in my mind they did. It started out great, we went to see the new Star Wars movie. Ok, yes, I was hoping that throughout the whole movie that he would hold my hand, but that is irrelevant. At the end of the movie, he took his phone out to check. Which that, did not really bother me, it’s what he checked that did. He went into his email to check new messages, normal enough, yes. Which email did he happen to open though? The one from eharmony telling him that he had a new match. Um, say what? At this point I’m thinking to myself “we really need to dtr this, I can’t go thinking that he’s still looking for someone else” So the date went on, we grabbed a quick bite to eat at this little burger joint that really doesn’t give much privacy, so I didn’t want to bring it up there. And then he dropped me off. I said nothing. NOTHING! I was kicking myself. We had a kiss goodbye, but I said nothing about the fact that I this was bothering me. So later that night I messaged him about it. First he said that he didn’t open the app. I readily agreed with that, restating that he read the email, at which point he said he didn’t even realise that he did that and it’s just something he does when he checks his phone, he didn’t mean anything by it. We both apologised, me for thinking things weren’t right and him for doing something out of habit that he didn’t mean to do.

That week we were supposed to go out, but he had a long week and it was very draining, so he ended up cancelling. Then it was Christmas and we were both really busy, so it ended up being another week before we got to see each other. I told him that I wanted to talk about some things again, so he knew. Except we went to a trivia night at a local pub and it was loud and hard to hear and I didn’t feel right having the conversation there. He acknowledged the fact that I wanted to talk about things, but said we would do it next time. So I suggested if he was free for NYE that he come over to my place that we can hang out, watch movies, talk, to which he suggested I could always come and hang out with him and a friend of his. Neither of us had definitive plans. But then it started snowing that afternoon and we weren’t able to get together. Plans were cancelled again. Trying not to think much of it, I went on and went out with my own friends.

Finally we made plans to go out. I came up with a couple of ideas, one of which included coming to my place so we could hang out and chat. He suggested either bowling or mini-golf, so I made the final decision of bowling and we ended up going a week after New Years. Everything seemed great. In between the turns that we would each take, we’d sit, cuddle a bit (as best as you can on those hard chairs) yes, he’d keep a watchful on some football game, but we could talk a little. Except for the fact that the lane right next to us was a family with young children and I didn’t want to talk about important things with little ears listening so closely.

So as we were driving back to my place, he was mentioning the fact that he wasn’t feeling well, but if it hadn’t have been over a week since we’d last seen each other he probably would have cancelled. Then walking to my door he’s asking which suite I lived in. Everything sounded good. I thought we were on a good track with things.

Went to say goodnight, so I went to hug him and give him a kiss as we normally would, but he turned his cheek to me, my initial thought was that he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to get me sick. Then all of a sudden things changed. He said, “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something for awhile. I just haven’t felt a romantic connection. You are the kind of girl I can see myself settling down with, your faith, your love for family and children. I kept hoping you would open up and I hate that I’ve been dragging things on for awhile but things haven’t changed. I want you to know, there’s been no one else since we met, since we first met for coffee” – I was stunned. Flabbergasted. I did NOT see this coming. Plus the fact that there was no one else since we met, that would have been helpful and important for me to know when I was having doubts about him, if he was really interested in me. Ok, a part of me knew that things weren’t going to work out, but I didn’t see any of this coming. Not now. And to think, earlier that day I had actually bought him a present, just hadn’t gotten around to given it to him yet. My church makes up these devotionals for reading through the Bible and I thought it would be good for us to do together. So in the end I never gave it to him, what was the point after that conversation?

He says I wasn’t opening up, but I wanted to talk about things. I know that I wasn’t opening up, but I wanted to. I wanted to talk about things. I feel like when I wanted to talk that is when I wasn’t given the chance to. Our last 3 dates weren’t great for talking. Movie, trivia night in a loud pub, bowling. Not great for talking. I suggested that we hang out at my place so that we could talk. He didn’t go for that idea. I know that I have trouble opening up but I was trying to give an opportunity to talk.

I’ve tried asking why the sudden change, why the complete 180 from when we were out to when he dropped me off at my place. I’ve had no answer. I’m so confused with the sudden turn around of things. This does not sound like someone who really cared. I honestly don’t know what happened. Things seemed great and then a sudden change. I know it’s over but I still cannot understand, I don’t know what happened to bring this change. And truthfully, I wish he would explain it to me better. But I’m not bothering him anymore. If he answers, he answers, but I’m not pushing the subject because I need to continue getting over him.

Self-Awareness

Why is it that it seems to be so much easier to open up to a computer, which ultimately opens myself up to a whole bunch of random strangers, than it is to actually open myself up to those that truly know me?

I have some great and amazing friends, but they don’t seem to know the half of what I go through and struggle with on a daily basis. I just can’t seem to bring out the words that say, “I miss you” or “Wanna hang out?” or “I’m scared” Simple phrases seem to be the most frightening for me. It’s just as hard as it is to open up and show someone the real me.

I wish it were easy to tell people how I truly feel about a situation, that I’d be able to speak my mind and tell them what I’m actually thinking and what they just said how that makes me feel but for some reason I can’t say it.

I always feel like I’m going to say the wrong thing and that someone is going to judge me for the comment that I just made because I may have used the wrong word trying to describe something. I would rather stay quiet then feel as though I am being judged, even though I know for a fact that my best friends wouldn’t judge me, they may ask for clarification on what I just said and what I meant, but they would never really, truly judge me for something like that.

Why is it that I feel this way? I am sure that there are others out there (or at least I sure hope there are) that are just as shy and scared and timid as I am. That they feel uncomfortable to share how they really feel with their closest and truest friends.

How come it is so difficult for me to call up a friend, or even just text a friend, to ask them to hang out? It doesn’t sound like something so difficult, but it is, and I for some reason cannot fathom the idea of even asking such a simple question. Maybe I’m scared that they won’t be available, or they won’t want to, or when we are together I will have nothing to say and will just end up being us sitting in silence.

I don’t want to feel like this, I want to feel ‘normal’ or at least as normal as I can be, because this scared, timid bit is too much for me, and honestly, I want to have a life! I don’t want to stay home night in and night out because I have nothing to do. Go to work all day and then stay home all night. I’ve done that, I’ve done it for 32 years and I’m tired of it. I want to be able to go out with friends, I want to be able to initiate these things, because most of the time I feel like it would never happen if I don’t do something about it.

Maybe I do push people away, but I want to grow deeper and more meaningful friendships. This isn’t just about dating now. I want my friends to know that they mean something to me, but for some reason I don’t know how to do so. And possibly because of my quietness, these friends of mine don’t ever seem to ask me to get together and hang out. I see everyone else getting together and having a great time, but no one ever seems to even think about including me. Or at least that’s how it feels. I am the one left out. Left out in the dust with nothing to do and no one to talk to (not that I would talk, because really, we’ve talked about this already, I just don’t talk)