Yes, I am 32 years old and only had 3 relationships, the longest of which being only 3 months. Do I like being single? Do I want to be single? The answer would have to be no.

For as long as I can remember, well, since high school at least, I have wanted to be in a relationship. But, I don’t know if it was due to the fact that I wasn’t part of the ‘popular’ crowd or because I’m not necessarily the ‘prettiest’ girl out there or just because I’m the quiet type, but guys haven’t been interested in me, not in that way anyway.

Sure, I had crushes all through high school, middle school too even, then college and later years. And at times I did even tell my crushes that I liked them. Ok, I never straight out came and said, “[boy] I like you” because really, that’s way to far outside my comfort zone and something that I would do. Typically my way of telling a boy that I liked them was to write them a letter and in the letter (or email sometimes) I would state my feelings. After which case would be the ‘dreaded’ confrontation. The guy would want to talk! The one thing that I don’t do well at. Sometimes I would get answers like
“I’m not looking for a relationship right now, but maybe sometime in the future” – that’s the false hope kind of answer, the one I would cling to and continuously hold out hope for a great future.
Or answers like, “well, summer is over now and I don’t know when I will see you again, you should have said something when we’d see each other everyday” – this one didn’t really give any sense of hope or anything, fairly good with the closure.
Or even the avoiding the subject answer, where I write a note and explain my feelings to said boy and there is absolutely no acknowledging of it – great, what now? Do I just avoid the subject like the plague or somehow, very tactfully and out of character, try to approach the topic of my feelings?
Or, probably everyone’s dreaded answer, “you’re a great girl, it’s not you, it’s me, but I don’t think things would work between us, let’s just stay friends” – we’ve all gotten those kind of answers before and we all hate them, because in actuality, it is me, there is just something about me that you don’t like.

After many years of unsuccessfully trying to get myself into some sort of relationship, I finally decided to dive in, I mean, everyone keeps telling me that “you’ll meet Mr. Right online, give it a shot, if nothing else it’ll give you some experience” So that’s what I did. I entered the world of online dating. I suppose that the very first guy that I met, I ended up turning down. Partly because I really wasn’t ready for the idea of online dating and partly because I just wasn’t attracted to or interested in the guy I met.

But then Fall of 2015 I started talking to a guy – and here I will leave it for another post, I will keep you on your toes (if there’s even anyone reading this) to find out the whole process of that.

On a side note, everyone keeps saying, “when you least expect it, when you stop looking, that’s when God will bring your Mr. Right into your life” – well, do you know how hard it is to actually STOP LOOKING! I mean, good gracious! I’ve tried, it lasts maybe a day or two and then a friend introduces me to a friend and I’m like ‘maybe you can be my Mr. Right’ but of course, because of my shyness, because of these tendencies, I never am able to straight out tell a guy that, “Hey, I like you, would you like to go get something to drink some time?”

Ok, enough ranting for now, I’ll let this settle and sink in and maybe I’ll come back with my stories and adventures in online dating …


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