Self-Awareness

Why is it that it seems to be so much easier to open up to a computer, which ultimately opens myself up to a whole bunch of random strangers, than it is to actually open myself up to those that truly know me?

I have some great and amazing friends, but they don’t seem to know the half of what I go through and struggle with on a daily basis. I just can’t seem to bring out the words that say, “I miss you” or “Wanna hang out?” or “I’m scared” Simple phrases seem to be the most frightening for me. It’s just as hard as it is to open up and show someone the real me.

I wish it were easy to tell people how I truly feel about a situation, that I’d be able to speak my mind and tell them what I’m actually thinking and what they just said how that makes me feel but for some reason I can’t say it.

I always feel like I’m going to say the wrong thing and that someone is going to judge me for the comment that I just made because I may have used the wrong word trying to describe something. I would rather stay quiet then feel as though I am being judged, even though I know for a fact that my best friends wouldn’t judge me, they may ask for clarification on what I just said and what I meant, but they would never really, truly judge me for something like that.

Why is it that I feel this way? I am sure that there are others out there (or at least I sure hope there are) that are just as shy and scared and timid as I am. That they feel uncomfortable to share how they really feel with their closest and truest friends.

How come it is so difficult for me to call up a friend, or even just text a friend, to ask them to hang out? It doesn’t sound like something so difficult, but it is, and I for some reason cannot fathom the idea of even asking such a simple question. Maybe I’m scared that they won’t be available, or they won’t want to, or when we are together I will have nothing to say and will just end up being us sitting in silence.

I don’t want to feel like this, I want to feel ‘normal’ or at least as normal as I can be, because this scared, timid bit is too much for me, and honestly, I want to have a life! I don’t want to stay home night in and night out because I have nothing to do. Go to work all day and then stay home all night. I’ve done that, I’ve done it for 32 years and I’m tired of it. I want to be able to go out with friends, I want to be able to initiate these things, because most of the time I feel like it would never happen if I don’t do something about it.

Maybe I do push people away, but I want to grow deeper and more meaningful friendships. This isn’t just about dating now. I want my friends to know that they mean something to me, but for some reason I don’t know how to do so. And possibly because of my quietness, these friends of mine don’t ever seem to ask me to get together and hang out. I see everyone else getting together and having a great time, but no one ever seems to even think about including me. Or at least that’s how it feels. I am the one left out. Left out in the dust with nothing to do and no one to talk to (not that I would talk, because really, we’ve talked about this already, I just don’t talk)

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