So, I am not one that can easily express my feelings. I would rather go out of my way to avoid conversations like that, even ones that express good feelings. So now I’m going to write letters to the guys that I had once dated, and even though they will never see these letters or know how I truly felt about them, at least I am getting it out there.
You were my first. My first date, my first boyfriend, my first love. I never told you how I really felt, never got the chance. I lost the nerve and then you ended things.
I know that you’ve moved on, met someone, got engaged. Maybe it hurts more because you are with someone that I know, and see from time to time. A part of me wants to know more specifics about your relationship, when you started talking, when you met. I don’t believe that you would have been with both of us at the same time, but sometimes having the truth makes it easier and sometimes it makes it harder.
It’s hard to believe that all of that, you meeting someone else, happened less then a year after we broke up. I think that’s what hurts the most, the fact that you found someone new, someone to love, truly love, and I’m stuck here, pinning over something that once was, and that will never be again.
I can’t even begin to say what I feel for you. I never loved you, I was infatuated with the whole idea. I mean, how can I love someone I never met? At the time, although there were things that I didn’t always agree with, you were mostly what I was looking for, and if you would have been honest and stayed, maybe I would have fallen hard for you. I am more hurt over the fact that you weren’t honest with me, then the fact that you just fell off the face of the earth. I’m glad that I don’t see you, that I have no way to contact you. You didn’t deserve me. I am too good for you, and you’ve helped me see what I do want in a relationship, and to strive for and get it.
You are the one I don’t understand. The one I wish I could have closure for and clarification from everything. No I didn’t love you, not yet anyway. But I did care for you. I was willing to move forward with things. I still don’t entirely get what went wrong. I wish I had the closure. I wish you would have clarified things for me. It just goes to show how little I truly meant to you. The fact that you can’t answer me. That you can’t give me the answers that I am seeking. You meant more to me than I meant to you and that is just something that I am going to have to live with. My heart is still healing, but one day, one day I will be at a place where I am ready to move on.