The Quiet One Gets Left Behind

Ok, so I’m really not sure if this is because I’m quiet and it’s an oversight or I’m just not as good friends with someone as I thought.

This evening, I let the first comment slide by because well, my roommate had been to much lately and figured that our friend wanted to be able to see her. So when my roommate said that she had been invited over for dinner, yes a part of it hurt (cause really she could have kept it to herself, especially since she was unable to go) but I pushed it aside and forgot about.

Then later in the evening she got another text from some number that she didn’t know. Saying ‘Oh, it’s probably for (friends) thing’ – ok, maybe that dinner wasn’t tonight but a different night, I think to myself. Trying to keep myself preoccupied so I wouldn’t show my hurt. But she keeps talking about it. Finally I say I have absolutely no idea what she’s talking about, I assume a dinner cause that’s what you had mentioned earlier this evening. And she’s like ‘oh no, you weren’t invited to (friends) birthday?’ Thinking, uh no, if I was I wouldn’t be sitting here playing dumb (well this time wasn’t playing because I had absolutely no idea what she had been talking about) trying to keep myself preoccupied so that the tears that are threatening to come out won’t.

I’m not sure if she figured out that her talking was hurting me or not. She did shortly after that change subjects.

But now I wonder. Was I left out on purpose? Was it just an oversight? Does my quietness turn people off and push them away, not wanting to spend time with me because I don’t talk much? I don’t know, I just don’t know. I wish I weren’t like this. I wish it were easier for me to talk, but it isn’t. I am quiet. I am shy. And it does take a lot to get me to talk. But should that be a reason for me not have many good and lasting friends? I feel like I’m being punished for something that I can’t help.

Being the Odd Wheel

So as we all know, yes, I am single, unattached, no perspectives in site. But this does not seem to phase certain friends who have found their happiness. They think that  I can hang out with a group of couples, the guys do their thing and us girls do our thing and things are fine.

I’m sorry, but no. I don’t want to be the extra wheel. I see my friends all lovey dovey and can’t help but be jealous of what they have. It hurts me to hang out with couples and not to have my close girlfriends understand this.

I have two friends from high school that have recently gotten married. I understand that they want their husbands to be friends. That they want us girls to get to know their husbands. And yes there is a time for that, but there should also be a time for just the girls.

So for Christmas, even though I had expressed my concerns and not wanting it to be the five of us (hence me being the fifth wheel) Since we were getting together on a weekend I gave in, so that I would make one friend in particular happy, so that we could do something the 5 of us. Yes, because we were at one of my friends houses the guys did go off and do their own thing for awhile and we did have some girl time.

But now we are in the midst of planning a joint birthday get together. Again she asks if we can do it the 5 of us. This time we are only planning on a week night at a coffee shop. Do you really think that this friend will have her husband and the other husband sit at one table at the other side of the coffee shop while the 3 of us girls are together having our girltime? Because I seriously doubt that that will happen.

I haven’t explicitly put my foot down saying no, but I did say that since we did the 5 for Christmas I was really hoping for just the 3 of us.

It’s not that I’m against getting to know the guys, but it hurts me seeing my friends happy and me being hurt because I’m alone and have no one and knowing that my closest friends don’t seem to understand or care about my feelings. I don’t know how I can get it across any better without hurting feelings, but she doesn’t seem to understand that she’s hurting my feelings by always insisting we hang out with husbands and always making me feel like the odd wheel.

Feelings, what more can I say …

Last weekend was Easter. I was expecting happy times with family and friends. Sure I know that no family get together is perfect and there’s always something, but I didn’t really expect any of this.

Let’s start at the beginning. So my brother and sister in law were in town for the weekend because they wanted to see my grandma while she is still pretty good.

I’m not entirely sure where this all came from, and I didn’t bring it up. Here’s a fact about me, I have a weird memory, I can remember odd facts that others don’t necessarily remember, I can figure out dates of events and how I’m related to people.

Anyway, my parents and siblings and I were visit my grandma Friday afternoon. My mom brought up that I can always figure out how I’m related to someone. It wasn’t something that I brought up, she mentioned that my brother isn’t always good at doing this. I didn’t disagree, ok, maybe I agreed with her, affirming the statement. So somewhere, I’m not entirely sure where it came from or why it was brought up, but my brother said, “I heard you singing in church, you can’t carry a tune” I’m not sure where the teaming up on me came from, but it hurt my feelings, it took a lot of my strength not to start to cry (it was a good thing that my grandma had a puzzle on the go that I was sitting beside because I started distracting myself with that) but I didn’t think that statement was called for. No, I don’t like singing in public, but I do like worshipping and I thought I had a decent voice and could follow along fairly well, but that comment just tore me down.

Then Saturday night, two different events. I went to the movies with the siblings again. I don’t know what brought it on, but I started tearing up for my singleness. No, I don’t want to be single, I don’t like being the one that doesn’t have anyone, being the odd wheel all the time. I would love to be in a relationship and I miss what I had with the guys in the past, but I don’t want to date just for the sake of being in a relationship, I want to date with the hope of marriage in mind and sometimes I think that’s never going to happen for me.

Finally, last event on Saturday, we were driving home from the movie, my brother was driving. I could tell he was turning right (the freeway was to the left and that’s the quick way to get back to mom and dads) so I asked which way he was turning. Sister in law says, “he’s turning right” brother says “I want to go the other way” ok, that’s fine, if he wants to take back roads and the long way, that’s fine by me. So when he misses the turn that I was pretty sure that he wanted to take I said nothing. Maybe because a part of me doesn’t want to correct people all the time because friend got hurt from when I did that to her. So it wasn’t until my brother said that he was mixed up and confused that I said something. I told him he was on the South side of the freeway (he didn’t want to believe me at first) finally he did. I felt done correcting people, because apparently when I do that I hurt people’s feelings, so if someone is going to get things wrong, so be it, I’ll let them make their own mistakes.

What’s Your Beef?

Well, this morning, my roommate sent me a message (guess it was actually last night but I only saw it this morning) about how much she appreciates me and that I’m always there for her.

At one point she went on to say that, just because I’m her friend doesn’t mean that I always have to be there for her as we have dealt with friends who disappear when the getting gets tough. Maybe it’s easy for me to stay by her side and support her with what she’s all going through.

My response? No it’s not always easy. Sometimes I don’t know what to say, sometimes I get annoyed but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.

So she decided we needed to have a ‘what’s your beef’ talk – one thing I didn’t want to do as me and confrontation don’t mix.

So when it finally got time to talk, I didn’t want to say what had been bothering me on the weekend because I knew it would hurt her. Here’s what I said:

‘I work with kids all day during the week, I don’t want to come home and deal with an adult acting like a child. If you don’t think you can do your job then quit it, otherwise suck it up, you are good at what you do, stop doubting yourself and have some faith.’

Unfortunately for me she focused more on the work part. I think that’s the part I can deal with better. It’s when she is acting like a child that I feel fed up.

So I got part of how I feel out, but not all of it.

But part of it is also the Mental Health issues and I want to be considerate of that. But I also need to look out for my well being, and seeing someone who is always being down on themselves and acting like a child at times isn’t good for me either. No, I don’t have mental health issues, she does, but everyone deals with little pieces of mental health, whether diagnosed or not, we all have pieces of it. Some are just more extreme than others.