I Can Do This (I Hope)

Well, today’s the day. Today is the day that A gets married. He broke up with me less than a year and a half ago because he didn’t have time for a relationship and wasn’t ready for what I was looking for (marriage) Now today, he gets married.

I know there are days that I say that I’m good and I’m over him, but just knowing that he’s moved on, he’s settling down, he’s getting married, well, it all hurts.

It doesn’t help that a number of weeks ago I had told my roommate she wasn’t allowed to leave me alone this weekend because of this very thing. But after a couple of different conversations last weekend, I ended up having to remind her. Then she asks if it’s just Saturday day or Saturday night. She’s one of the few that knows everything and I though I could rely on and now she’s forgetting things of importance to me too.

I’m going to try to stay busy today. Try not to think about what today is and why it pains me. I feel like if I’m alone I’ll just lie on the couch and cry all day. If my mind starts to wander I’ll remember what today is and it’ll affect me. I need to keep busy. Not have time to think, but be surrounded by people who care about me and who can hopefully take my mind off of the things that I don’t want to think about.

Ugh, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to seem like the pathetic one that can’t properly move on from a relationship that wasn’t meant to last and have to rely on friends. But that’s what friends are for, to help you through the hard times, and I feel like something of importance, something like this you shouldn’t forget so easily.


Where Do I Belong?

This is what I read the other day for my devotionals and my thoughts surrounding it.
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Considerand answer me, O LORD my God;
light up me eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your stewdfast love;
my hearr shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
~Psalm 13

There is so much fear and doubt racing through my heart and my head. I don’t know what to think or where to turn. I want to trust my Father but I get so lost in the mix and confusion that I feel like no one really knows me or cares about me. Why am I like this? How come I’m lost with no one to find me or give me a way out. Is this what life is supposed to be like? What friendship is supposed to be like? I just want someone to be there to show me that they actually truly care.
Sometimes I really wonder if I am truly accepted in my circle of friends. No one reaches out to me (or very rarely do they) If I want to see someone or spend time with someone then I need to reach out. And even when I do that I feel at times shot down and rejected. It’s not a fun feeling and not something that I enjoy. It is a reason that I do shut down and hide myself away. I don’t know how to feel accepted in my own group of friends. I feel like an outsidee half the time, that I don’t belong where I am and I have no one really to turn to. I try tellin friends and they don’t understand. They just tell me to reach out so that things are reciprocated, but they never are. It hurts and I don’t know what to do …

Decisions. But not my own …

Ok, so both my roommate and I are single. Both of us have been looking online without having any luck.

The other day she joined a free online dating site that I’m on. Well, in the span of 3 hours or so, she started talking to a guy online, gave him her phone number and even told him about her own struggles with mental health.

Don’t get me wrong, I would be happy for her if she met someone. And I’m not saying I would have ever talked to this guy because he’s out of my age range. Just the day after she made the account she gets 15+messages from guys a day (sure there are ones she’s not interested in) and starts talking to someone she’s really interested in. Even when I made my account I never had that many messages.

The next two mornings she goes on to tell me that she got ‘good morning’ texts from this guy. Yeah, I’d be lying if I said that didn’t hurt, because that’s something that I’ve always wanted, well, almost, it is missing something, but something I’d always desired from guys I was dating.

Yesterday she said she wanted to ask him out, other friends said do. I said wait, let him do the pursuing, at least for the first date. She didn’t really like the idea, still wanted to ask him out. Then last night she talked to another friend, who also said to wait. Now she thinks it’s a good idea to wait.

Yes, I know that this is her life and she needs to make her own decisions and choices, and I know that I am more hesitant than most after some of my experiences, but why she wouldn’t heed my advice after knowing what I’ve been through, I’m not sure.

She’s already falling for his guy and they’ve only talked a few days. I’m trying to tell her to take things slow and be careful. I’m trying to look out for her and her best interest, but she says if she gets hurt, she gets hurt.

I’m just at a loss of what to do and say. I want to be supportive but I want her to be careful too. I want her to be happy but not risk her heart, especially before they’ve even met.