Days Go By …

Ok, so I was on summer holidays from work July 17-28. I just had a simple stay-cation. Keeping busy but also making sure to have down time and time to rest for myself.

Then my roommate was out of town from July 23-Aug 5. It was a nice little break of actually having time to myself, having the break that I needed to get back the energy and rest that I so desperately needed.

Then, when she got home after a few days, I started speaking my mind some more. That her overloud yawn was ‘a little annoying, make that a lot annoying’ – although I think she took it as more of a sarcastic joke then actually the truth.

I also mentioned that it was nice having 2 weeks of not having to worry about being late for things. I am one that doesn’t like to be late, I like to leave at a certain time. Then I hear that she was able to get ready so quickly while away because she was getting picked up. Sure I understand that there can be a difference between being picked up and just leaving the house together, but one would think that she would be respectful of me from time to time too, considering all that I do for her.

I try not to step on her toes, and I give her the space that she needs and lately when she complains about being tired, I let her do as she wishes if it’s going to sleep. It can just be frustrating when she has energy to stay up super late after traveling, with a friend and then the next night when we are going to hang out complains about being tired but then gets a wind of energy to talk on the phone, and as soon as the call is over is exhausted again. It seems as though she has energy when it comes to others but when it comes to me she has none.

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Communication is Key

I started writing this blog after C broke up with me. I guess that it was a way for me to help understand myself. Figure out what was bothering me and where the different relationships in my life were headed. It was also a nice way to get input from the outside world. Advice on things that I typically wouldn’t ask anyone, but keep bottled up inside of me.

Well, after seeing ‘D’ (let’s go with the letter scheme that I have already been using) for 3 weeks now. Truthfully, I don’t want to get my hopes up too much. I don’t know what’s going to come from this. I like him and I like where things are going. I have felt that I am able to talk more and communicate more with him than the other guys. And unlike the other guys who would fill in the silent gaps of talking about themselves (or just talking about something in general) D doesn’t. It’s true, we do have times of awkward silence, but we also have times of quiet, peace in the others company. Sure there are times that I want to say something but instead just marvel in the silence of his company.

One of the things that I have wanted in a relationship, I have gotten with him though. My daily communication. No, we don’t talk on the phone, but that’s alright, he texts me when he has a free moment and vice versa.

We have talked about some more important things, in our 5 dates, then I did with anyone else. I appreciate his willingness to bring up such subjects as limits and boundaries in this. I know for me something I want, something I long for in a relationship is to grow spiritually together as well, as Christ called his children to be one. I realize that the only way to get there with D is to bring up the subject, something I hope to do soon, but don’t want to push it as this relationship is still new and I don’t want to scare him away.

We both agree that communication is key and that if something is bothering us, that we need to talk about. I just need to get over my nerves and use my words with him.

Me Time

Can I just say that my introverted self is really looking forward to next week. I am currently on holidays for 2 weeks. And my roommate is away next week. But with her work schedule I always felt like she was always home. So this week I have been keeping myself super busy.

Next week though, will hopefully be the restful and relaxing time that I need. All I really want is time for me, even if that time is spent doing things at home, I just want to know that I can have the comfort of my own home to myself so that I can feel rested and rejuvenated. I feel like I haven’t had enough me time for the past few months and this is exactly what I want and need.

Social Introvert

I heard someone the other day describe themselves as a social introvert, and that really go me thinking. I am a social introvert. I crave time with others, whether one on one or even in a group (to an extent) but then I really need my down time too.

I found this online (https://thoughtcatalog.com/abby-rosmarin/2014/10/15-struggles-of-the-social-introvert/amp/) about social introverts and it seems fairly accurate:

1. When people assume that a “social introvert” is an oxymoron. Because, y’know, the only type of introvert that exists is the one that is antisocial and gets crippling anxiety around people. Only extraverts are social. I mean, duh.

2. Trying to explain that you can find people both absolutely intriguing and completely exhausting at the exact same time.

3. The realization that social gatherings will forever be your Taco Bell chalupa. You seek it out, you enjoy it in the moment, but you know you will pay for it later. Save time in your schedule for recovery.

4. When the people around you don’t understand recovery days. Because, again, you’re obviously not a real introvert if you like being around people, so why the sudden need to be alone?

5. When friends label your alone time as “antisocial time”. They wouldn’t label going to the gas station “anti-driving time”, so why assume that for your own refueling?

6. Wanting to engage in conversation at a party, but being completely inept at small talk. Don’t these people know it takes energy to be here? I don’t want to waste it talking about the weather. How do I go from radio silence to heartfelt conversations without all the pleasantries in between?

7. The fact that no one gets that being outgoing comes as a direct result of being an introvert. It blows other people’s minds that it actually takes less energy to say whatever is on your mind than it does to chitchat.

8. Realizing that you’ve wasted all your energy attempting small talk and now you couldn’t enjoy a proper conversation if it came gift-wrapped with a bow and a card.

9. That moment at a party when you’ve run out of social. You’ve gone from happy and smiling and singing along to the music to quietly standing off by the sidelines – and now people wonder what’s wrong.

10. When no one around you gets “running out of social”. No, it doesn’t mean I’m tired, or grumpy, or drunk. It means the specific type of energy I use to talk to you dingbats is on empty and that part of me is temporarily powered down.

11. Wanting to find some alone time after running out of social — knowing full well that time by yourself would help you refill — but knowing that there’s really no opportunity to do that. And people tend to look at you funny if you lock yourself in the bathroom.

12. The fact that, sometimes, you just want to observe, but that it doesn’t mean you suddenly became shy. Your social abilities could be running on all cylinders, but sometimes it’s fun to just watch the rest of the world operate.

13. When you explain how a social introvert operates, only to be met with the Clerks quote. Oh, I hate people, but love gatherings? Isn’t it ironic? No — it’s inaccurate.

14. The attitude that social introverts are just “extraverts trying to seem deep.”

15. The fact that you forever find yourself explaining that introversion and extraversion essentially boils down to where you get your energy from and what takes energy for you to do — only to be met with, “…but you’re not shy.”

15 facts about social introverts.

I love my friends and love spending time with them. I do like keeping busy with them. At times it is draining and when I feel done, I’m done. But at the same time, I have a hard time saying I’m ready to leave unless others are also leaving. And when I need my down time, I do really need it. Just me, by myself, not necessarily relaxing on the couch, it can be spent doing things at home, but I do need the time to myself.

I Can Do This (I Hope)

Well, today’s the day. Today is the day that A gets married. He broke up with me less than a year and a half ago because he didn’t have time for a relationship and wasn’t ready for what I was looking for (marriage) Now today, he gets married.

I know there are days that I say that I’m good and I’m over him, but just knowing that he’s moved on, he’s settling down, he’s getting married, well, it all hurts.

It doesn’t help that a number of weeks ago I had told my roommate she wasn’t allowed to leave me alone this weekend because of this very thing. But after a couple of different conversations last weekend, I ended up having to remind her. Then she asks if it’s just Saturday day or Saturday night. She’s one of the few that knows everything and I though I could rely on and now she’s forgetting things of importance to me too.

I’m going to try to stay busy today. Try not to think about what today is and why it pains me. I feel like if I’m alone I’ll just lie on the couch and cry all day. If my mind starts to wander I’ll remember what today is and it’ll affect me. I need to keep busy. Not have time to think, but be surrounded by people who care about me and who can hopefully take my mind off of the things that I don’t want to think about.

Ugh, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to seem like the pathetic one that can’t properly move on from a relationship that wasn’t meant to last and have to rely on friends. But that’s what friends are for, to help you through the hard times, and I feel like something of importance, something like this you shouldn’t forget so easily.

Where Do I Belong?

This is what I read the other day for my devotionals and my thoughts surrounding it.
—–
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Considerand answer me, O LORD my God;
light up me eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your stewdfast love;
my hearr shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
~Psalm 13

There is so much fear and doubt racing through my heart and my head. I don’t know what to think or where to turn. I want to trust my Father but I get so lost in the mix and confusion that I feel like no one really knows me or cares about me. Why am I like this? How come I’m lost with no one to find me or give me a way out. Is this what life is supposed to be like? What friendship is supposed to be like? I just want someone to be there to show me that they actually truly care.
—–
Sometimes I really wonder if I am truly accepted in my circle of friends. No one reaches out to me (or very rarely do they) If I want to see someone or spend time with someone then I need to reach out. And even when I do that I feel at times shot down and rejected. It’s not a fun feeling and not something that I enjoy. It is a reason that I do shut down and hide myself away. I don’t know how to feel accepted in my own group of friends. I feel like an outsidee half the time, that I don’t belong where I am and I have no one really to turn to. I try tellin friends and they don’t understand. They just tell me to reach out so that things are reciprocated, but they never are. It hurts and I don’t know what to do …

Decisions. But not my own …

Ok, so both my roommate and I are single. Both of us have been looking online without having any luck.

The other day she joined a free online dating site that I’m on. Well, in the span of 3 hours or so, she started talking to a guy online, gave him her phone number and even told him about her own struggles with mental health.

Don’t get me wrong, I would be happy for her if she met someone. And I’m not saying I would have ever talked to this guy because he’s out of my age range. Just the day after she made the account she gets 15+messages from guys a day (sure there are ones she’s not interested in) and starts talking to someone she’s really interested in. Even when I made my account I never had that many messages.

The next two mornings she goes on to tell me that she got ‘good morning’ texts from this guy. Yeah, I’d be lying if I said that didn’t hurt, because that’s something that I’ve always wanted, well, almost, it is missing something, but something I’d always desired from guys I was dating.

Yesterday she said she wanted to ask him out, other friends said do. I said wait, let him do the pursuing, at least for the first date. She didn’t really like the idea, still wanted to ask him out. Then last night she talked to another friend, who also said to wait. Now she thinks it’s a good idea to wait.

Yes, I know that this is her life and she needs to make her own decisions and choices, and I know that I am more hesitant than most after some of my experiences, but why she wouldn’t heed my advice after knowing what I’ve been through, I’m not sure.

She’s already falling for his guy and they’ve only talked a few days. I’m trying to tell her to take things slow and be careful. I’m trying to look out for her and her best interest, but she says if she gets hurt, she gets hurt.

I’m just at a loss of what to do and say. I want to be supportive but I want her to be careful too. I want her to be happy but not risk her heart, especially before they’ve even met.

Understanding 

Ok, so it’s coming up on a year of my roommate and I being roommates and there are things that had bugged me and irked me, but I’ve never told her. One of which I feel like she sleeps ALL THE TIME. Don’t get me wrong, sleep is great, but not all the time. And so it would annoy me when I would come home and she’d be sleeping on the couch (lately it’s more so in her room which I do appreciate more) or her falling asleep while we watch a show together. But she’s also constantly complaining about how tired she always is. Well you know what, I work a tiring job and am tired at the end of the day too and would love to have a nap, but I also know that that’ll mess up my sleep for the night so I don’t. And don’t get me started on this loud obnoxious yawn that she does! It’s like she’s purposely overemphasizing it.

Anyway, I need to stop putting down all the negative. I was talking to some girlfriends tonight about her. Saying how she has a mild case of sleep apnea. One of them has sleep apnea and the other one has other health issues that keep her awake and in pain that she can’t sleep well.

These two kinda put things in perspective for me. The fact that she sleeps ‘ALL THE TIME’ as I put it, is because she’s never getting a restful sleep, always waking up and her body isn’t getting the rest that it needs. That it’s a different kind of tired then being tired from working a long week. As for the loud obnoxious yawn, well maybe it’s her bodies way of getting the oxygen that it needs.

I’m going to try to be more considerate, more thoughtful of this.

If anyone has advice on how to handle (lack of a better word) someone with sleep apnea I’d be all ears (or eyes in this case) to know what you do. How you encourage them, treat them, talk to them about it.

The Quiet One Gets Left Behind

Ok, so I’m really not sure if this is because I’m quiet and it’s an oversight or I’m just not as good friends with someone as I thought.

This evening, I let the first comment slide by because well, my roommate had been to much lately and figured that our friend wanted to be able to see her. So when my roommate said that she had been invited over for dinner, yes a part of it hurt (cause really she could have kept it to herself, especially since she was unable to go) but I pushed it aside and forgot about.

Then later in the evening she got another text from some number that she didn’t know. Saying ‘Oh, it’s probably for (friends) thing’ – ok, maybe that dinner wasn’t tonight but a different night, I think to myself. Trying to keep myself preoccupied so I wouldn’t show my hurt. But she keeps talking about it. Finally I say I have absolutely no idea what she’s talking about, I assume a dinner cause that’s what you had mentioned earlier this evening. And she’s like ‘oh no, you weren’t invited to (friends) birthday?’ Thinking, uh no, if I was I wouldn’t be sitting here playing dumb (well this time wasn’t playing because I had absolutely no idea what she had been talking about) trying to keep myself preoccupied so that the tears that are threatening to come out won’t.

I’m not sure if she figured out that her talking was hurting me or not. She did shortly after that change subjects.

But now I wonder. Was I left out on purpose? Was it just an oversight? Does my quietness turn people off and push them away, not wanting to spend time with me because I don’t talk much? I don’t know, I just don’t know. I wish I weren’t like this. I wish it were easier for me to talk, but it isn’t. I am quiet. I am shy. And it does take a lot to get me to talk. But should that be a reason for me not have many good and lasting friends? I feel like I’m being punished for something that I can’t help.

Being the Odd Wheel

So as we all know, yes, I am single, unattached, no perspectives in site. But this does not seem to phase certain friends who have found their happiness. They think that  I can hang out with a group of couples, the guys do their thing and us girls do our thing and things are fine.

I’m sorry, but no. I don’t want to be the extra wheel. I see my friends all lovey dovey and can’t help but be jealous of what they have. It hurts me to hang out with couples and not to have my close girlfriends understand this.

I have two friends from high school that have recently gotten married. I understand that they want their husbands to be friends. That they want us girls to get to know their husbands. And yes there is a time for that, but there should also be a time for just the girls.

So for Christmas, even though I had expressed my concerns and not wanting it to be the five of us (hence me being the fifth wheel) Since we were getting together on a weekend I gave in, so that I would make one friend in particular happy, so that we could do something the 5 of us. Yes, because we were at one of my friends houses the guys did go off and do their own thing for awhile and we did have some girl time.

But now we are in the midst of planning a joint birthday get together. Again she asks if we can do it the 5 of us. This time we are only planning on a week night at a coffee shop. Do you really think that this friend will have her husband and the other husband sit at one table at the other side of the coffee shop while the 3 of us girls are together having our girltime? Because I seriously doubt that that will happen.

I haven’t explicitly put my foot down saying no, but I did say that since we did the 5 for Christmas I was really hoping for just the 3 of us.

It’s not that I’m against getting to know the guys, but it hurts me seeing my friends happy and me being hurt because I’m alone and have no one and knowing that my closest friends don’t seem to understand or care about my feelings. I don’t know how I can get it across any better without hurting feelings, but she doesn’t seem to understand that she’s hurting my feelings by always insisting we hang out with husbands and always making me feel like the odd wheel.