I’m Speechless

OK, so a bit of back story as to why I am now feeling speechless …

About a month ago, the guy that I am currently seeing, we will call him E, asked me what I would like for Christmas. I don’t want to expect presents from someone, nor have I even considered getting something for guys I have been seeing over the holidays, but this time I actually thought about it and wanted to do something. So my response to him had been that if he wanted to get me something, to get something that reminded him of me.

After that there was no talk of presents, but I was still thinking of what I could do for him. He had told me at one time that his love language was words of affirmation. This got me thinking, I could write him some letters, and not just any letters, but a Bible verse with a prayer to go along with it. He already knew that I was headed out of town for the week of Christmas, so my idea was to write one letter a day for him to open while I was gone. And although he didn’t mention every letter to me, he did tell me about some of them, that he was looking at the same verses earlier in the day before even reading my letters.

So last night, although he isn’t feeling the greatest yet, he suggested that we go out. We made plans and went out and had a nice evening together. At the end of the evening he was talking about his gift for me. He got the present from his truck and gave it to me. Although I hadn’t read the card while we were together, I did open the present. It may seem like a trivial gift, but he gave me a Spiderman advent calendar, which over the last two years I have gotten into using again. I know the season is over but it is not going to go to waste on me.

But really, the thing that got me speechless was the card. I have read and reread it a number of times since getting it. What he said in it touched me. About God’s love for us and how He sends certain people into our lives for reasons. I’m still at a loss. The words he wrote meant a lot and I’m sure I will continue to read it over and over again.

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Questions for the other half

How do you as an introvert cope with dating? I’ve dated a little bit in the past but guys always seem to end things with me because I’m too quiet and don’t open up.

Currently I have been seeing this one guy that I do really like (although don’t want to get my hopes up too much on fear that things will end again and I will be hurt) we meet online, talked everyday for a month (via text) finally meet, gone out a few times, still talk almost everyday (still via text) but he wants me to ask him questions and for the life of me I can’t think of anything to ask. We share the same faith and have similar values, I just don’t know what to ask him.

Frustrations and Quality Time

Why is this so hard to understand? To me quality time is important. And I value different types of quality time with different people. For me my quality time with my roommate is watching TV together. But not super distracted by the phones.

We have a bunch of shows that we watch together. Some of which we haven’t been watching yet but were going to watch them when others ended. Well tonight I find out that she started watching shows without me because she thought I’d already watch them. No, no I hadn’t. I always said I was waiting for her to watch them.

Also, tonight watching some shows she’s barely paying attention. Having me pause the shows or go back so that she can either tell me something or so she can hear what just happened.

I know this is just me venting, but I am annoyed. I’m wanting my quality time and I’m not getting it how I am in need of it. She’s had plenty of time to do her own stuff on her phone that she doesn’t need it to overtake our time together

Change

I don’t like change. I know that there are things about everyone that someone doesn’t like, but telling me that you don’t like something about me and that you want me to stop that is like telling me that you want me to change.

First it was my friend from my ‘Mere Misunderstanding’ posts. When she was telling me that she doesn’t like me correcting her all the time. She wanted me to change. She wanted me to stop being me. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong and will admit it (OK, it might hurt and I might not do it right away all the time, but over time I would)

But now my roommate is telling me things that she doesn’t like about me. I have some phrases that I just say, I don’t even think about them when I say them. But she doesn’t like them and doesn’t want need saying them to her. But it’s just apart of me. I can say them without thinking. I’ve tried not to say one since she told me, because I can understand what she means about it, that when she use having health issues she can’t just switch things. But by asking me not to say things that I just say it’s like along me not to be me.

I want to be accepted for me, not being asked to change for someone. This is me. I want my friends to accept me for who I am and not try to change me. Is it really that difficult to ask?

First Dates

I don’t know why I am getting nervous all of a sudden. I have been talking (well texting, cause I don’t do well with talking) to this guy for about a month now. And the lack of what I had in past relationships, I’m starting to realize what I truly want in a relationship. Things that very few people actually know, because I’m not about to put everything that I want in a relationship on the internet, just in case of a stalker or creeper or something.

Anyway, this guy, we are going for coffee on Sunday afternoon. And as excited as I am to meet him, because he’s showing me what I want in a potential partner without me having to ask for it, well, it’s so thoughtful and meaning. He’s a great guy and I could really see myself falling for him.  

Here’s where the problem comes in. I’m getting nervous (as per usual) I don’t want to scare him off, so to speak, with the fact that I’m not talking much, but do I tell him ahead of time that I’m not always much of a talker? Do I just go with it and play things by ear?

#IntrovertedProblems

Ok, I know this part isn’t about the book, but let me just start with my frustrations about the oh so wonderful ‘hashtag’. There is a time and a place for it, and actually, I don’t even know if it works properly on this site yet because I’ve never used it. Hashtags can be good when relevant, but when I relevant they irritate me. Relevant – instagram, Facebook, twitter (which I don’t use but I think is where they got started) Irrelevant – texts! I have a friend that likes putting hashtags in texts and it drives me bonkers!

Anyway, back to the point of this post. The next chapter in the book #IntrovertedProblems


So very, very true. I may be sitting with my friends, listening to what they are saying (or at times tuning them out) and on my phone because I’ve had too much of people and need a time out for a few minutes. Doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be a part of the conversation, but sometimes it’s what I need for a little bit of a recharge (pg 27)


Oops, I have done this before. Been so caught up in what’s inside my head and totally forgotten about my surroundings (pg 32)


Yes, I did hear you. But one thing lead to another and it got me distracted. Doesn’t mean I don’t care. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t listening. Doesn’t mean I can’t pay attention. It just means I got distracted. Ok, maybe I’ll ask you to repeat something, but I am here for you, I want to listen, just sometimes I get sidetracked by something that I hear (pg 33)

Know Thyself

Reading through the book ‘Text, Don’t Call’ I’ve come across little introverted comics that seem to speak to me and about me. Some of the comics in the book aren’t as relevant to me as other, but then there are some that I can completely relate to.


There definitely is a big difference between these three. Shy. Antisocial. Introverted. I’m not antisocial, I love my friends and the time I get to spend with them. I am shy, it does take me awhile (make that a log while) to warm up to people and I am quiet at the best of times. I am introverted, I do need my alone time and the time to myself to recharge (pg 10)


I don’t talk, I am very quiet. I’m not the talkative person in the crowd. I do listen, my ears are open and will always give an ear to a friend in need. I may not always have advice to give when you need to talk but I will always give a listening ear when someone needs to talk (pg 13)


Ok, again, this is me. Especially when it comes to online dating. If a friend of mine would ask me to get together for coffee, that I’d be up for, I wouldn’t need to process it. If a guy is asking me for coffee (typically the online type) that I would need to process, I’m not the type that will agree to meet right away, I need time to get to know someone. Time to process (pg 15)


Honestly, don’t fully understand this one, but the last line speaks to me. ‘Refills are freshly squeezed ALONE’. Yes, my recharge level needs to be recharged ALONE. Not sitting on the couch with someone watching tv. But ALONE. I can be on the couch, at home, ALONE. But not with others. I recharge best when no one else is home. When I am ALONE (pg 17)

This is just one chapter out of this book. I’m sure that there are people out there that can relate to parts of this just like I can. Yes, I’m an introvert. And yes, maybe I’m still getting to know what introvertedness really is, and why and how it makes me, well, me. 

Being an Introvert

“And it’s great to be an introvert! There are so many wonderful qualities that come with having this particular preference. For instance, we introverts are wired to focus and concentrate well, and we tend to process things before we speak or act. We’re observant and insightful, often expressing ourselves better in writing than in speech. Because we’re seriously private, introverts may be difficult to get to know, but once we warm up to someone, we make good listeners and trustworthy confidants. We prefer depth to breadth and are fiercely independent.” ~ ‘Text, Don’t Call’ by INFJoe, pg. 5

I just recently found out about this book and finally picked it up today. I am so glad to be reading it as I feel like I can actually tell that there is someone out there that truly gets me.

Yes, I do process things before I speak or act, but unfortunately by the time I have finished processing a thought the opportunity of saying the thought has passed and I missed my window of chance.

I am a private person, chances are, the people that know me best are actually the people who read this blog. I have a difficult time articulating my thoughts and feelings to someone in person, but here it seems so much simpler as most of the readers (if there are even any) don’t know me [ok, I know that one friend reads this, but we have never actually discussed what I write, maybe because she’s giving me space to express myself in a way I feel comfortable and doesn’t want to push or maybe some other reason, but I know that if I wanted to talk about any of this with her that I could]

I always make a good listener, I am a great ear to hear what you have to say. I may not have words of comfort always, or given the most intelligent response, but I am here to listen to you for whatever your needs may be.

Friends, or lack there of …

Ok, I have this friend, we’ve known each other for 3 years now, and I have talked about her before, how my roommate was invited to her birthday and I wasn’t, thinking it may have just been an oversight.

Well, tonight roomie got a text from her, inviting her for lunch after church. And roomie goes on and on talking about it, how friend wants it to be a small group unlike the last time – great, I got no message, I’m not invited.

But then roomie continues talking about one-on-one time with friend while having lunch – ok, that’s fine, if it’s just the two of them, then I shouldn’t be doubting the friendship.

Now roomie is talking that ‘maybe she’ll invite 1 or 2 more people’ or ‘maybe she won’t’ – well, which is it? 

This has me doubting my friendship, doubting my friends. Roomie doesn’t seem to be picking up on the fact that this conversation is hurting me and I don’t want to be a burden to her and make her feel like she’s in the middle of a fake friendship (because honestly that’s how I feel half the time with this friend) but at the same time roomie is always telling me things that burden her and then they go onto me.

Well, you know what? I’m not her social calendar. I have feelings and I do get hurt. It’s not my fault that I keep things buried inside, this is how I deal with things I bury them and hide and stay away from everything and everyone. It’s like I don’t let the real me out. No one truly knows the real me. And maybe that’s why I feel like I have no real friends, because the people I’ve always felt safe turning to are so busy or far away and I’m afraid of letting someone new into my life, so instead I hide away my feelings from everyone and don’t let it show. But I don’t like being this way. I don’t like hiding, I want someone to care. To genuinely listen and not give up until I actually talk about. Not give up when I say I’m fine or that nothing’s wrong, because typically that’s when things are.

A Look at Last Weekend …

Ok, so last weekend had some good and some not so great factors to it.

Friday night I was at a big event, in line for something and look over and see Guy ‘D’ that had just ended things a few weeks earlier with me, standing in the same line I was in, thankfully it started moving and all he did was a smile/wave. But then later on that evening I was with some friends and saw him again. A part of me wishes that I had gone up to him and talked to him, but I also know that it would have hurt. He is my only ex that I have actually run into since, well, since being dumped. It wasn’t that easy. I wanted to get the chance to talk to him, to give him a piece of my mind, but firstly I don’t even know if I’d have been able to get the words I wanted to say out or even had the nerve to say the words I wanted to say.

Then on Saturday I went to a speed dating event. I had 11 dates in one hour, each date was 5 minutes. I actually think it was a really good experience. I was interested in 6, and on Sunday got the results back that out of the 6 that I was interested in only 1 was also interested. I guess that shouldn’t be a major thing. All in all I think the speed dating was a really good idea and would recommend people getting the chance to go do it.

Overall, it was a good weekend. Even with the hard bits with my ex thrown in, I had a fun time with friends the next day and had a new experience also.