Feelings, what more can I say …

Last weekend was Easter. I was expecting happy times with family and friends. Sure I know that no family get together is perfect and there’s always something, but I didn’t really expect any of this.

Let’s start at the beginning. So my brother and sister in law were in town for the weekend because they wanted to see my grandma while she is still pretty good.

I’m not entirely sure where this all came from, and I didn’t bring it up. Here’s a fact about me, I have a weird memory, I can remember odd facts that others don’t necessarily remember, I can figure out dates of events and how I’m related to people.

Anyway, my parents and siblings and I were visit my grandma Friday afternoon. My mom brought up that I can always figure out how I’m related to someone. It wasn’t something that I brought up, she mentioned that my brother isn’t always good at doing this. I didn’t disagree, ok, maybe I agreed with her, affirming the statement. So somewhere, I’m not entirely sure where it came from or why it was brought up, but my brother said, “I heard you singing in church, you can’t carry a tune” I’m not sure where the teaming up on me came from, but it hurt my feelings, it took a lot of my strength not to start to cry (it was a good thing that my grandma had a puzzle on the go that I was sitting beside because I started distracting myself with that) but I didn’t think that statement was called for. No, I don’t like singing in public, but I do like worshipping and I thought I had a decent voice and could follow along fairly well, but that comment just tore me down.

Then Saturday night, two different events. I went to the movies with the siblings again. I don’t know what brought it on, but I started tearing up for my singleness. No, I don’t want to be single, I don’t like being the one that doesn’t have anyone, being the odd wheel all the time. I would love to be in a relationship and I miss what I had with the guys in the past, but I don’t want to date just for the sake of being in a relationship, I want to date with the hope of marriage in mind and sometimes I think that’s never going to happen for me.

Finally, last event on Saturday, we were driving home from the movie, my brother was driving. I could tell he was turning right (the freeway was to the left and that’s the quick way to get back to mom and dads) so I asked which way he was turning. Sister in law says, “he’s turning right” brother says “I want to go the other way” ok, that’s fine, if he wants to take back roads and the long way, that’s fine by me. So when he misses the turn that I was pretty sure that he wanted to take I said nothing. Maybe because a part of me doesn’t want to correct people all the time because friend got hurt from when I did that to her. So it wasn’t until my brother said that he was mixed up and confused that I said something. I told him he was on the South side of the freeway (he didn’t want to believe me at first) finally he did. I felt done correcting people, because apparently when I do that I hurt people’s feelings, so if someone is going to get things wrong, so be it, I’ll let them make their own mistakes.

What’s Your Beef?

Well, this morning, my roommate sent me a message (guess it was actually last night but I only saw it this morning) about how much she appreciates me and that I’m always there for her.

At one point she went on to say that, just because I’m her friend doesn’t mean that I always have to be there for her as we have dealt with friends who disappear when the getting gets tough. Maybe it’s easy for me to stay by her side and support her with what she’s all going through.

My response? No it’s not always easy. Sometimes I don’t know what to say, sometimes I get annoyed but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.

So she decided we needed to have a ‘what’s your beef’ talk – one thing I didn’t want to do as me and confrontation don’t mix.

So when it finally got time to talk, I didn’t want to say what had been bothering me on the weekend because I knew it would hurt her. Here’s what I said:

‘I work with kids all day during the week, I don’t want to come home and deal with an adult acting like a child. If you don’t think you can do your job then quit it, otherwise suck it up, you are good at what you do, stop doubting yourself and have some faith.’

Unfortunately for me she focused more on the work part. I think that’s the part I can deal with better. It’s when she is acting like a child that I feel fed up.

So I got part of how I feel out, but not all of it.

But part of it is also the Mental Health issues and I want to be considerate of that. But I also need to look out for my well being, and seeing someone who is always being down on themselves and acting like a child at times isn’t good for me either. No, I don’t have mental health issues, she does, but everyone deals with little pieces of mental health, whether diagnosed or not, we all have pieces of it. Some are just more extreme than others.

On the Mend (pt 6)

Ok, so we got together yesterday. Leading up to it, I was so nervous and anxious about the outcome that it was taking quite the toll on me. When I pulled up to the coffee shop I was pretty sure that I saw her car, but I told myself I needed to pray first. I pulled out my phone and reread the prayer that I had first written out when she told me 2 months ago that we needed to talk (and never did)

I walk in, not fully knowing what to expect or how to greet her. But she was being friendly enough, gave me a welcoming hug and we both got drinks and sat down and began to chat.

She explained how she isn’t a very detailed person and how when I would tell her something happened on this day at this particular time that’s how she felt I was always correcting her.

I can’t help that I have a weird memory and can remember certain dates that I remember odd facts about different gatherings and interactions.

I also mentioned to her that at times I felt like she always took the conversation back to her. I would be trying to talk something important and she would turn it to herself and something she was dealing with. She said she didn’t know that and would try and work on fixing that about herself.

Overall, it was a positive outcome from our coffee time, but I think it will take time for our relationship to get back to where it was. As we were talking I didn’t fully feel like myself and every time she asked for a correct answer I had to clarify with her if she wanted me to give it to her or just leave something unknown. This will be difficult and it will be a process, but if we both work together I think this friendship can be saved.

Getting Anxious

I’m not one to typically get anxious over something, but this upcoming conversation is giving me some anxiety. I am hoping for a positive outcome with my friend but I just don’t know what to expect or even what to all ask her. We are meeting in just a few short hours and I honestly feel like after this conversation I’m going to be losing a friend. I don’t know why I have this feeling. I don’t know how I’ve always made her feel uncomfortable. Yes, she says I’m always correcting her, but everyone I’ve asked says that I don’t do that and I can’t think of any examples of me correcting her.

Maybe I’m just envisioning the worst possible outcome so that I’ll be happy with the positive side of things. I don’t know, but either way I am nervous about it all.

One Step Backwards

So, for some reason when I have a plan for myself, I can’t seem to follow through with it.

I had fully intended on a nice relaxing evening at home, having time to myself. My roommate was supposed to be out for the evening and I could take it easy. Instead, the one day that she wants to have roommate time is the one night that I actually really wanted to myself.

How come when I need to say how I feel, I can’t?

I need to be more vocal about how I feel and what I want. I can’t just go along with everything if it’s not what I want. I also need to do things for me.

A Step in the Right Direction (pt 5)

Ok, so after Saturday’s awkward night seeing my friend. I did some thinking, and a bit of praying of my own. Went back on fourth with whether or not I wanted to reach out again and tell her how I was feeling.

So Monday afternoon, I sent her a text, using a whole lot of ‘I feel’ statements, so that she wouldn’t feel like I was putting the blame on her, but I wanted her to know what I was going through and how I felt. Then ended off the text with more honesty and vulnerability by telling her that I had cried the whole way home from our friends house.

I was actually shocked to get a response from her. We did communicate (via text) for a couple of hours, and yes I know that texting isn’t the best way to communicate and things can still be taken the wrong way, but it was a step in the right direction which I was grateful for.

I still don’t fully understand where she is coming from, saying that I correct her all the time, because everyone that I’ve asked says that I don’t correct people, at least not often. Besides, does she want to go around thinking something is right when she is obviously wrong on a fact? Well, either way, that’s beside the point.

Anyway, she went on to explain that every time we got together she would always get very anxious about it and not know what the problem was. She said she was sorry for not giving me any warning.

We are going to get together for coffee later next week to talk about things more. So for right now I need to be ok with where things are and pray that things continue to get resolved.

It’s Not Fair (Mere Misunderstandings Pt 4)

This is not fair, I don’t know what the problem is and she won’t talk to me and as much as I wanted to go to events to make her face facts that we would still see each other, tonight was not fun. It was not fair to me.

As I’ve stated before, I am quiet. I am shy. It does take me awhile to open up to people. Don’t take me for granted because when you lose my trust it will take even longer to get it back.

Well, tonight I was at a party at a friends house and as far as I knew, my friend that was having the issues with me was not coming. Then as we were eating dinner, one of my other friends asks the hostess if it would be ok for her and her husband to show up after 8.

At first I was thinking it would be nice to see her and see how things go. But after awhile I started dreading it. When I heard that they had arrived I was having a little panic moment by myself as there was no one that I could turn to. No one at this party knows the problems that are going on or what the issues are. So I’m sitting talking to some friends. She walks in with her husband, doesn’t make any attempt to say hi to me or come over to me. I’m feeling awkward because I don’t know how to act around her anymore.

At one point in the evening her husband said ‘hi how are you?’ and another moment her and I kinda looked at each other and smiled, but I had no idea what to say, what attempts to make.

This is not fair on me. She feels that I’m always correcting her but now I feel like I can’t be myself around her which is just making me clam up. I was pretty fine when we were on separate sides of the room but when we were all playing a game I didn’t know what to do.

I love her and care about her, but if I can’t be myself around her then I don’t know what kind of friendship this will be. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair what she’s putting me through. She thinks it’s hard on her, but she won’t give me the chance to explain how I feel to let her know what I’m thinking, how all of this is affecting me.

I can’t call her because I know she won’t answer and if I need to leave a message chances are I’m going to break down again and won’t be able to talk. Text messages never come across the way one wants them to. I want to express myself to her, but I don’t know how, the best way would be for me to talk to her in person but she doesn’t want to give me that option of a chance.

HELP! Anyone! Advice, I could really use some clear sound advice!

Mere Misunderstanding Pt 3

So, last week, March 6, I called my friend. Unfortunately she didn’t answer, but I told her I missed her, I told her I wanted to get together and talk, I told her I wanted to work things out. Two days later, I get this text from her:

“Hey hun, I’m sorry I missed your call. I really appreciate that you reached out to me to work this out but I just don’t feel like I’m ready to talk this out yet. When I’m ready I will definitely reach out to you. I hope you understand.”

So I decided to sleep on that and would respond later the next day. My response to her was:

“I know you’ve needed time and space, but this past summer you had given me the honour of standing up with you as one of your bridesmaids and that’s not something I take lightly. I want to talk about what has been bothering you as I feel like it came out of nowhere as I can’t remember you ever verbalising any issues with me. You said you need more time, and that’s fine, I’ll continue to pray for you and for our relationship. But I do hope that you will be willing to get together soon as this has been weighing heavy on my heart and I’m still not entirely sure what happened.”

I’m trying to express how I feel, without putting in too much feeling because I don’t want her to misread or put in the wrong emotion where I’m trying to stay positive. She is a dear friend of mine. I was one of her bridesmaids last summer. There was a reason why she picked me and I still have no idea what happened or went wrong, as she won’t tell me. A part of me wants to send her texts every week or two, so she sees that I still care, that I’m still here and not going to leave when the times get tough, but will she get the wrong idea? Will she think I’m harassing her? She said she needed time, I gave her a month, which in the actual scheme of things isn’t that long, but how can you push someone that special to you away without any word.

Speaking Up …

Ok, so my roommate wants me to tell her when there are things bothering me and that I should speak up more instead of keeping thing bottled up inside.

Well, the other day I got so tired of hearing her complain about being tired, and not having enough time to do everything and just wanting to sleep, that I told her to “stop it” (granted it was in a half joking, half serious tone) but she said, “don’t tell me to stop it, I don’t like it” Well, what am I supposed to do? She wants me to be honest with her. She knows that I have trouble speaking my mind and communicating at times. But when I tried to tell her something she didn’t like it and didn’t want me to tell her that.

What am I supposed to do? Not tell her when things are bothering me? Only tell her something bothers me when it doesn’t directly affect her?

Do people honestly enjoy hearing constant complaints? Because I don’t. And I’ve put up with it for quite awhile. Being her constant cheerleader. Encouraging her to get her work done and work on her business.

You don’t think that I’m tired after a long day working with children? Do I really want to come home from 7 hours with kids to an adult that complains just as much as one?

I’m tired. I’m tired of the complaints. I’m tired of listening to it. I’m tired of being told not to speak my mind. I’m tired of being a constant cheerleader when my encouragement gets dismissed half the time. I’m just tired of it!

Being Assertive

So, for some reason this post never got posted … I’m not quite sure why, I wrote it back on February 24 …

I am not one that is good at being assertive, but yesterday I was. It was my Aunt’s birthday and since I don’t have her number and she unfriended me on Facebook, the best thing I could do was send her a message on fb, which she does usually respond to. This time I felt that her response was so short with me that I felt that it was the last straw, so to speak. Anyway, when I got home from work I decided to write her a message, hopefully it would be received well. Here is what I wrote:

Aunt Mary, this has been on my mind for awhile. I feel unloved and uncared for when you are short with me in your responses. You are my aunt and I love you. I wish we had a better relationship, that we could talk and visit again, I do miss you and Chris. Love you.

There is so much more that I could have added into there, but I left it at that for now. Hoping to hear back. Well, within 15 minutes of sending the message, she had viewed it. But she hasn’t responded to it. I love my aunt and I miss her, haven’t seen her for 5 or 6 years and she doesn’t talk to half of my family. I know it hurts my mom, and it hurts me too. I would like to have a deeper relationship with her and hope that one day she will find it in her heart to come back to the family.

As annoyed as I was that she had seen the message and not said anything, I was being still. Being quite. Then I talked to my roommate about it this morning. She said, “maybe she’s trying to think of the right thing to say, the right words to use.” Bless her soul, my wonderful roomie, for when I am doubtful she comes up with such words of wisdom that I need to listen to. My message to my aunt would not have been so nice if it weren’t for my roomie, she gave the insight to do it in such a way that I’m not putting blame on my aunt but letting her know how I feel.